This whole therapist thing is serious business. Most of the time, people don’t show up unless things have gotten bad. It’s similar to the doctor’s office, where no one wants to spend effort on a visit that could be cured with time, rest, or an over the counter pack of cough drops. It’s not uncommon for couples to wait on therapy until the relationship has developed pneumonia, needs iv antibiotic, and possibly a morphine drip. When the relationship is to a point where every conversation is an argument and seeing your partner come into the home raises your defenses for the next argument, that’s when I get calls. There’s beauty in seeing just how much people want their marriages to work, and just how much they are willing to endure for the people that they love.
But if relationships range from healthy to unhealthy, and the therapist is the doctor’s office that helps to diagnose and treat when things don’t seem to be healing, what are the little bits that you need to help the healing along? A doctor will, along with prescriptions, treatments, and even surgeries, make recommendations that we already know. Your body needs rest in order to recover from illness. You need to eat healthy, exercise, pay attention to nutrients, and get the right amount of sleep. These are the behaviors that help to maintain and even recover personal physical health. What are the behaviors your relationship needs in order to recover health?
The exercise and nutrients your relationship needs include intimacy, kindness, communication, and support. We talk about these in our relationship blogs on a regular basis. But what is rest in a relationship? What is the equivalent to a good night’s sleep, a nap, or even a day off work when you can feel that cold coming on? It’s not taking time away from the relationship that helps to heal it, but taking time away from the intensity of the relationship.
Look back at your relationship patterns and remember the beginnings, those first dates that were filled with silliness, laughter, and what seems to be meaningless in the face of intensity. Once upon a time, you and your partner bonded over pop culture, geek culture, gossip, and the mundane. Rom coms would have you believe that romance lives in the grand gestures and great traumas of the plot line, but in reality our brains build connections through repetition and everyday occurrences. Whether you laugh with your partner over the latest comedy sketch, marvel together at the stupidity of famous people, or enjoy a food fight because of a stray splatter or spill, you are connecting the light and fun release of serotonin with the image of your partner’s face and the sound of their laughter.

Take some time with your partner where talk of taxes, children, education, finances, and all of the intensity is off limits. Just the two of you, see how many old inside jokes you can dig up, or share the latest YouTube video that made you laugh so hard you cried. Quote movies. Play a game. Revive high school dance moves. Something once made you and your partner smile at each other. Find it again.
When life has gotten intense, and every decision seems more important than the last, it’s good to value the seemingly silly. It’s good to know that the seemingly insignificant is actually quite significant. The relationship equivalent to an 8 hour sleep for your body is an evening of pure silliness with your partner. Remember the inside jokes, the way you share humor and fun, and turn the intensity down a few notches. Lighten up, and you’ll find a healthier perspective in weightier matters. And most of all, love those moments guilt-free. They are the richest part of connecting, the good bit of love, the reason we are willing to work so hard the rest of the time.