Intimacy is an essential aspect of a romantic relationship. When we talk about relationship intimacy, we should recognize that there are two different types of intimacy—emotional and physical. These two are intertwined and both must be addressed and enhanced when a relationship is struggling. Even when a relationship is healthy, it takes conscious effort to maintain intimacy. In the first part of this tip, we will address the emotional intimacy aspect. Here are a few questions to get you thinking about the current state of your emotional intimacy and then some enhancement tips to give you some ideas on how to begin improving your intimacy.

Emotional Intimacy Inventory

1. Is it easy for you to share feelings with your partner?
2. Do you have more than “surface” conversations with your significant other?
3. Are you frequently aware of your emotions?
4. Do you feel comfortable showing and discussing all types of emotions, even “negative” ones?
5. Are you willing to discuss vulnerable feelings with your partner?
6. Do you validate and honor your significant other’s feelings?

If you answered no to one or more of these questions, you could use some improvement with your emotional intimacy skills.

Enhancement Tips

• Set aside talking time each night. Talk about more than just logistics, the kids or work. Try to use some emotion words to describe your day, reminisce about the past or talk about your hopes/dreams for the future.
• Start becoming aware. Take a minute a few times a day to be mindful and check in with your feelings. If you aren’t aware of your feelings, you can’t share and bond with your partner.
• Take steps to begin sharing vulnerable or negative emotions. Some people judge feelings as “good” or “bad” but all emotions serve a purpose. How we choose to react or act on those feelings is what is important. Remember that your partner will feel closer to you if he or she knows all your emotion experiences, not just the positive or “good” ones.
• Practice validation. The skills of validation and acceptance usually does not come naturally to most people. Begin practicing using empathetic responses and help your partner feel safe and secure no matter what he or she shares with you.

As you begin utilizing these skills, you will notice that the emotional intimacy in your relationship will grow. With the growth of emotional intimacy, will come the enhancement of physical intimacy. As Dr. Michael Metz, marriage and sex therapist, states, “Emotional openness and the nakedness of sex are the two most vulnerable and tender aspects of committed love.”

If you find that these skills are difficult for you, reach out to a sex therapist who is well trained. Someone skilled in this area, will be able to help you overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of you being able to feel emotionally and physically intimate in your relationship.