Once upon a time, over a decade ago, I was a young and naive college student. I was surrounded by other young people, dreaming about a bright future. We fantasized about dream jobs we might hold and eventual accomplishments we would achieve. Kimmy’s best friend Bobby was going to start a non-profit to save harbor seals. James was going to make a million dollars with his invention and sell it to Disney Land.
THEN… graduated.
My first reality check hit when applying for my first job. I started searching for my dream job only to realize the positions I wanted required “6-8 years experience.” At first I was dumbfounded. Didn’t they know how talented my mom thought I was? No. They did not. I was inexperienced.
Compare to marriage: when you first found your partner, it felt like a dream come true. In part because you could finally plan a future with someone.Gone were the days of searching. Your babies were going to be beautiful and your families would get a time share cabin at Christmas to surround you with love and gifts. Like the college student, you fantasized about the life you might have and the things you might do, together.
The reality check after “the honeymoon” was much like me as a young graduate: “This is going to take more work, time, and energy than I anticipated.”
John Gottman, expert researcher in healthy relationships, created a model called the sound relationship house. One of the concepts we know about couples who have a healthy relationship is that they help each other’s dreams come true. From an attachment perspective you could say: securely connected and attached couples are more productive and are free to explore the world. From any other perspective you could say: If you love someone, you try to help them be happy. It’s important to keep hold of your dreams when reality hits and it’s important to hold onto your dreams together as a couple.
Couples who succeed and have meaningful relationships create shared meaning and strive to help their partner achieve their goals. The five big fears that hold us back from our dreams are:
- Fear of failure.
- Fear of rejection.
- Fear of success.
- Fear of not being good enough.
- Fear of being alone.
Do you see why a committed partner can provide the base needed to push forward with the confidence and comfort needed? To make your marriage stronger and happier ask each other; 1. Do I know what my partners dreams are? 2. Are they struggling with any of these 5 fears? 3. What do they need from you to be able to achieve? 4. Am I holding them back in any way? Sacrificing with the time, energy, and effort to build your partner’s dreams will come back to you in folds in the marriage. Think of the young intern who consistently works to become a better employee. Any decent intern with consistent effort will eventually be promoted. Sacrifice is the only way to get to the place you’ve always dreamed of being. Putting in the energy and work for the little pieces, year after year, will create a happy marriage with happy fulfilled people.
