Timeouts are not just for kids. Adults can use them too and should use them if they want a better relationship. A very well-known marriage researcher and expert, Dr. John Gottman has found that if after 3 minutes, an argument is not going well then it more than likely will not get better and possibly worse. He also explains in his research the damages that can occur during communication when we are flooded with emotions but has found that using a timeout can be extremely beneficial for our marriages.

Think about what happens to your thought process and rational when you become angry or so full of pain and act on those emotions. Generally, we say things we wouldn’t normally want to say to our partners… things we don’t necessarily mean. Some people become physical and might throw something. When we are at our ‘normal’ emotional state, we tend not to behave in such ways but think about our words and actions and their consequences.

We can’t necessarily stop an emotion coming to us but we get to choose what we do with it. We can’t always help how strong that emotion is either. When emotions are rising and we have become flooded, call a timeout. Do NOT call a timeout for your partner. Even if you see them becoming flooded, call your own timeout.

Rules to the timeout:

1. Use a signal. Agree on this signal when going over these rules with each other. Often times, depending on your signal, humor comes in and automatically begins the calming.
2. Set a time limit. Again, decide on this now. Have a short time period of 5-20 minutes and have a long time period of 30-90 minutes. Decide if this will be a short or long timeout. No longer than 90 minutes is best practice but definitely no longer than 24 hours.
3. Do not talk to other people during this timeout. Do not go call your friend to vent about what just happened. Kids are the exception as we do need to continue parenting. If possible, try to find a place that you are able to be alone, calm yourself and think, preferably without leaving the house. Driving when we are emotionally flooded is usually not the safest thing to do.
4. Use this time to bring your emotional levels down and begin thinking about what it is you are trying to communicate with your partner. Bring focus back to the main topic and what your goal is in talking with your partner about this. Always keep in mind the bigger picture. Don’t let yourself get caught up with about being right or not wanting to lose. Are you wanting a strong and healthy marriage? Do you want your spouse to know you care and love them and are you showing that to them?
5. Come back together and finish the conversation. Stay on topic and focus on healthy communication. Remember that both partners have active roles… speaker and listener.