In Part 1 of improving our communication in our marriages, we spoke of using “I” statements and ways to implement them. So now we will go over one of the next steps in communication which is for the person on the other end… the listener. Yes, the listener has an active role in this too! Listening to improve communication is a task that takes work and practice.

 

A while ago, I wrote a piece on listening with the intent to understand and not with the intent to reply. You can read that here if you missed it or for a refresher. This is the piece that can be difficult for many couples. Here are some guidelines you can put in place to make yourself a better listener as your spouse is using their “I” statements:

• Put your own agenda to the side. Right now, it’s time to not think of you but think of what your partner is saying. You will get your turn to talk which leads us to the next one…
• Wait for your turn to talk which means no interruptions! That is very important. Begin talking when you know your partner is done talking.
• When your partner is talking, work on softening yourself to avoid defensiveness and making assumptions on what the other is thinking.
• Listen as if this is the first time you have heard it and you want to truly understand your spouse so they can feel safe in expressing themselves.

Being a good listener can be hard. The goal in listening is to understand the other person and show that you care. You do not have to agree with what they are saying or the way they think but you do need to show that you care about how they are feeling… right or wrong, those are their feelings. And a great way to show that you care and love them is learning to be a good listener.

If you and your spouse continue to struggle with communication or just need a little direction to get you started, marriage counseling in our Sandy office is one of the many things we offer to our clients.