Communication is a huge piece in relationships and can have an impact as to whether they are succeeding or deteriorating. Many couples in the Salt Lake County area seeking marital counseling are looking for help with the way they communicate. There are many pieces to having healthy communication with your spouse and here we will talk about a couple of those.

The famous “I” statements: The biggest one many of us hear is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This is a great start. The sooner you begin practicing this, the better. When we speak from an “I” place, our partners are less likely to become defensive as “you” statements sound to have more blaming undertones. How we begin our conversations greatly impact how the rest of the conversation is going to go so using “I” instead of “you” will get you on the right track.

But you can’t just say “I want you to stop being with your friends and be with me more so I know you care about our marriage.” Why not? While it does start with “I” it still sounds like there is some attacking, blaming and maybe some criticism. So how do you use the “I” statement properly?

1. “I feel…” start by telling your partner what is going on that is making this a problem for you. But dig deep to those underlying emotions. Not just mad or angry but what else? Hurt? Alone? Afraid? Scared? Hopeless?
2. “because…” then add why you are feeling this way. Explain the situation and why this emotion is important instead of describing what your partner is or isn’t doing. This step can be hard sometimes but in counseling we explore this a lot more!
3. “I need…” finish your statement with what you need to help this feeling improve but this is not a time to tell your spouse what they need to do. Here is an example:

“I feel alone more lately,
because I am home by myself with our kids often
which makes life seem overwhelming at times.
I need more support at home with our kids
to feel we have a companionship and a partnership in our relationship.”

This is just a first step to healthy communication. Try to practice the “I” statements often and look for Communication Part 2 to learn more on how to improve your relationship with your spouse through communication.