Romance is often portrayed and perceived as being an external force that takes over, makes decisions, and leads naturally and spontaneously into a state of dreamy enjoyment. All too frequently I hear couples say, “I shouldn’t have to force wanting to spend time with my partner. It should just happen naturally” or “If sex doesn’t happen spontaneously, then we must not really be interested in each other anymore” or “We just don’t have the same spark we used to have.”
What couples fail to recognize is that their entire relationship is a series of choices that they have intentionally made along the way. An external force, that takes over and leads people into a state of romantic euphoria, does not exist. It may feel like it exists, but it does not. Couples choose to be romantic. When couples are first dating, they choose to make time for one another, they choose when they want to increase the type and degree of intimacy they experience in the relationship.
Romance is an intentional choice. The problem is not that a couple is no longer experiencing this non-existent romantic force. The problem is that couples stop choosing to do romantic things or think romantic thoughts. Couples fall into this trap because they have mistakenly believed that a romantic force was once present in their relationship and now that this force is gone there is nothing they can do to get it back. If couples are looking for a “romantic force” to “come back” they will forever be looking in vain because it does not exist.
What does exist is intentional romance. Intentional romance is choosing to say romantic things, choosing to schedule romantic activities, and choosing to wow and impress your partner in the same way that you had intentionally created romance, in your relationship, in the very beginning.
If you find yourself having difficulty making the choice to create romance in your relationship, you may be dealing with underlying relationship difficulties that are getting in the way. If this is the case, seek out help from a marriage/couples counselor who can guide you back to the path of intentional romance.
