In every marriage there will be fights. The perfect marriage has arguments and if you are thinking that this shouldn’t happen in your marriage then you need to think again. It can be healthy to have a (fair) fight/disagreement every so often. If not, most couples are bottling things up and stonewalling which is definitely less healthy than a good and fair argument.

When we think of fighting in a relationship, many think of yelling, screaming, red faces, and some can add to that list. But fighting doesn’t need to and shouldn’t be like that. Here is where we add what is called fighting fair

Here are some rules to fair fighting:

1. Stay on topic. Discuss one issue at a time. It’s hard not to be reminded of other things now that these emotions are up on the surface but it won’t work if you bring in more problems than the current one.
2. Talk nice. This means no name calling and no degrading language. This usually puts the other on defense as they now feel attacked and from previous posts we know this is unhealthy communication.
3. No yelling. Nothing constructive can come from yelling. As much as it might make you feel better in that moment, it is not productive, will only make the problem worse and again, put the other on defense mode. When someone starts yelling, the other person generally shuts off any listening skills that create healthy communication.
4. Use words to express your feelings. Use “I” statements to express yourself such as “I feel hurt and betrayed” or “I feel alone.”
5. Take turns talking. Nothing good can come if you and your partner are trying to talk over the other person and frankly, this is really just a waste of your energy and time. Set a timer if needed. We all have one on use so grab your phone and set it for 3-5 minutes and then switch.
6. Take a timeout if necessary. This allows us to let our emotions cool down, think rationally, process what our emotions and thoughts are and what we are really want to express to our spouse

Accept that you don’t and most likely won’t agree but the key is to understand, feel heard and compromise. If you and your spouse are struggling with fighting and communication, you many want to seek out help from a marriage counselor.