Take down–two points. Reversal–two points. Pin–for the win. These are all things I witnessed at my son’s most recent wrestling tournament. As I sat and watched my son wrestle, I couldn’t help but think that I see a similar pattern of verbal and emotional behavior from many of the couples I have seen in my office. Each of these couples seem more concerned with taking down their partner or finding a reversal or a comeback. While some partners will go to great lengths to get the pin and get the win.

As I do marriage counseling and couples counseling in my Sandy, Utah office I seek to take couples away from wresting and instead get them “dancing” together. For couples to effectively dance with one another they need to learn new skills, practice those skills, and have an attitude that dancing together is more important than winning.

If you have found that you are spending your time with critical take downs, and defensive reversals, start by changing your mindset. Your marriage or your couple relationship is not a wrestling competition. If your spouse feels emotionally pinned you will have nothing to win. Instead you will be losing a good relationship and will find yourselves wrestling with one another in a court of law. Dancing together is much more satisfying!