Those are fancy words for something commonly known as “mom guilt.” While it’s perhaps more common in mommy culture, dads are susceptible as well, and it’s all too commonly expressed by those sitting on the couch in front of me. I can give you a quick diagnostic quiz right now. Are any of the following phrases running through your head as part of your inner monologue?
I’m not a good enough mom.
I think I just broke my kid.
I should be loving every second of this but I don’t.
I should know what I’m doing.
I should have spent more time on Pinterest to plan this activity
I should have spent more time with my child than on Pinterest.
Did I do something wrong?
Am I doing enough?
I’m not doing enough.
I’m failing my child.
The theme of “good enough” parenting is actually something we study in therapist school. It’s so huge, it has articles and books devoted to it. One blog post I recently read gives it a wry and humorous voice. It’s the hot topic for moms in coffee shops and parents in carpool discussions.

Here are a few factors that contribute to Personal Parenting expectations.

1. Comparison. That mom lets the kids do soccer and tennis and ballet. We’re lucky if we make it to one of the three. That birthday party included homemade gluten free cupcakes with soy frosting. I picked up pre-made at the grocery store. Her kid still hugs her on the way to school. My kid won’t look me in the eye more than once a month. No matter what, we see what other parents do and we place ourselves as feeling better or worse than them. The thing that is neglected is the understanding that every parent wants what is best for their child, and they are all trying to offer it at their own pace.
2. Value Judgement. Sugar is bad. Kale is good. Bullying is bad. Social Leadership is good. Structured rewards, unstructured play, religion, spanking, the list goes on for days. You will find an internet resource for every aspect of raising a child that either vilifies or glorifies your choices. You can listen to them all, or you can take a more balanced view. Resist the urge to chalk anything up to a morally determined “good” or “bad”, and take a moment to recognize that things are rarely so extreme.
3. Love. That’s right, the mere fact that you love your child means that you want to do good by them which means that you second guess your decisions which means that your brain is trained to examine and find fault with your choices. And you can let that paralyze you. Or you can be compassionate and know that your guilt is a twisting of a really great place. Go back to the place where your love for your child pushes you to want to do good things for them. Know that the expression of love is the first thing they need, whether it comes in the form of gluten free cupcakes or sitting through church together.

The beautiful thing about the psychology mumbo-jumbo surrounding parenting is that the main guy, Winnicott, suggested the most important thing was never to be a perfect parent, but simply to be good enough. The difficult thing is in discovering what your definition of “good enough” is, regardless of comparison, values, or personal self-talk. You may find, with a little humor and perspective, that “good enough” is an easier thing to achieve than you usually allow yourself.