Ever heard the saying, “Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one?” One would hate to be architect who came to Rome to rebuild after such a tragedy. How can you ever reclaim the glory of the Roman Forum? Who could build a building more impressive than the Coliseum? If you’ve ever been to Rome you know that despite tragedy, they have rebuilt what is considered one of the greatest cities in the world. A charming mix of old meets new.
As architects of your relationships, having realistic expectations of what the process of rebuilding trust looks like is important. Keeping these tips in mind can help prevent burn out and keep the process positive.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one. Oh terrors of fire. It is sad that one small fire can take down years of building. One of the more important parts of rebuilding trust is being authentic, trustworthy, and dependable – consistently. When managing a relationship that has been through betrayal, one must acknowledge the importance of not just building on Monday through Friday while taking a break off each weekend. Deciding to build trust means deciding to take on a full time and constant commitment.
Acknowledge that inconsistency can negate even the most impressive effort.
Almost all of the most beautiful buildings in the world took a long time to build. This process will take time. Sometimes it can be frustrating when after a significant amount of effort from you seem nowhere closer to hearing the words, “I trust you now.” Remembering that time is an overriding principle can help to keep you from feeling like lack of perceived progress means failure. You can’t control how long it will take. You can only control if you keep building.
Acknowledge that beautiful buildings take a long time to build.
Work smart, not just hard. You and your loved one are different and need different things. Having important conversations about what your loved one needs from you will give you the best blueprint you can have for success. Learning to have these conversations will take understanding of your loved ones fears and vulnerability. As you consistently build, your loved one will trust you with the keys to success in the relationship.
Acknowledge that what it takes to rebuild isn’t always up to you.
Take your lunch breaks. No smart builder can keep working without stopping to take notice of their own needs. This does not necessarily mean you can expect your loved one to take over while you are on your break. It does mean that in taking responsibility for your actions, you take responsibility for caring for you. Remember those hobbies long neglected? Those long walks you don’t have time for anymore? The bedtimes and diets long neglected? It’s time to recognize what it is that you need to stay recharged in the fight for your relationship. Communicating these to your loved one can bring transparency to a relationship, and ultimately reassurance about your intentions and behaviors.
Acknowledge that you have needs too.
Last, You are building a new city over an old city. Rebuilding trust means you have the opportunity to make improvements, upgrades, and haul away old rubble. Each opportunity to build trust is an opportunity to make something better than has ever existed before. Your effort matters and you will see results. Don’t give up yet. Keep plugging along. As anyone who has been to Rome will tell you, its worth it.
Acknowledge that your own efforts are what will make the ‘city’ stronger and more beautiful.
Beyond these, remember that you can always turn to a marriage counselor for more support and guidance. For other ideas about trust read some of our other posts here and here.
