Have you been betrayed by your spouse through infidelity, sex addiction or pornography addiction? Do you feel the urge to constantly check your spouse or partner’s phone? Do you find yourself feeling fine one minute and then on the verge of tears the next? Difficulty sleeping? Feeling anxiety or anger from triggers that seem to come out of the blue (spouse is late from work or quickly turns off his phone or computer when you walk in the room, you see a provocative ad on TV while watching a show with your spouse, etc.)? Do you find that you are isolating yourself or feeling depressed? It’s possible that you could be experiencing the effects of betrayal trauma, which is similar to the experience of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Betrayal trauma is an important new field of study that is validating betrayed partners’ experiences in an important way. Betrayal trauma is a term used to describe a person’s experience when someone they depend on violates that person’s trust. These betrayed partners report that they feel they are “going crazy” because they don’t understand what they are experiencing. It feels like an emotional roller coaster that they can’t control.
Why does the infidelity, sex addiction or pornography addiction cause such a reaction? An intimate relationship requires a level of trust and vulnerability that creates a strong emotional connection. Therefore, when that trust is broken, the betrayed partner feels anxious and insecure. Often, the betrayed partner also feels angry and confused about the roller coaster of emotions that follows the violation of trust. The tragic part is that they often don’t fully receive the help they need to heal and recover. The focus often turns to the importance of the addict getting treatment and the betrayed partner’s feelings and needs are neglected. There have been many couples who come to my office and only the addict has received counseling while the spouse has been left to deal with the trauma on her own.
We live in a society that is all too familiar with pornography. Some studies report that up to 90% of males and 60% of females have been exposed to pornography by the age of 18. Because of the ease of access to pornography children are being exposed to it much earlier now and those who view it, view it more often because of the technology available. It is likely that you or someone close to you has experienced betrayal trauma but doesn’t have a name to describe what he or she is feeling.
So, what can you do to help? The first step is labeling their experience by giving it a name. The next step is getting them the help they need. This can come in the form of social support or education on the topic. However, many will need help from a couples therapist who is trained in treating addiction or infidelity with the relationship in mind. An important part of that counseling will include addressing the betrayal trauma and helping the individual heal so the relationship can heal. Reach out to the ones who are hurting, feeling alone and confused. Let’s give them hope. If you are experiencing betrayal trauma yourself, it’s time to get the help and support you need. Seek out help so you can begin to heal.
