We are back again for part three of BOUNDARIES. You been gearing up! You’ve decided to set a boundary (part 1) and you’ve looked at the qualities of a good boundary (part 2). Now its time to look at owning your part of this unhealthy relationship. Stop letting them hurt you and the relationship. Create a relationship that can succeed rather than implode from lack of tending.

Many people don’t realize that before they arrived at the horrible cross roads of “IGNORE IT,” and, “RELATIONSHIP OVER,” there were many subtle boundaries, increasing in strictness, that they could have set along the way. As these boundaries were being built, healthy structure could have been set up. This is done as both parties are sharing their disappointments, expectations, and discarding behavior that doesn’t work. You are apologizing for hurting each other as well as speaking up where there is your own hurt that needs addressing. For example:

Stating preferences: You may be surprised how simply stating a preference may prevent hurt in the future.

• I like, I don’t like, I would prefer, Yes, No

Showing truth: Often we fake being pleasant or are not honest about another person’s hurtful behavior. When we act happy and loving but are miserable on the inside, two relationships are created and one is false. You are also adapting to bad boundaries. Show your true emotions, be honest.

• “I’m disappointed that…”
• “It hurt my feelings when…”
• “I love you and I am not willing to call in sick for you when you’ve been drinking.”

Consequences: People who are in denial and are deaf to words of truth may only respond to pain and loss.

• “If this behavior continues, I will not feel safe, you will need to find another place to sleep.”
• “If you yell at me like that again, I will have to leave the room.”
• “If you can not control your spending I will cancel the credit card.”
• “When you are this late again without calling, I will eat dinner without you.”

Emotional Space: You may need to set up emotional boundaries when the hurt becomes deeply personal and emotional.

• “I can’t share my deep feelings with you if you are going to punish me for them.”
•  “When your voice is calm, I’ll share my thoughts and feelings.”
• “I’m not willing to argue with you.”

Physical distance: You may need to remove yourself from an argument or heated situation to separate from physical, sexual, or substance abuse.

• You may choose to move into a local shelter.
• You may also separate or spend time at a friends home or a hotel.

Other people: You may need to add an actual other person to serve as a barrier. Using a third party to resolve conflict

• Find a couples therapist, ecclesiastical leader, or friend.
• A support group of people dealing with similar issues.

Time: The last subtle boundary is taking time to work out a conflict or to limit the conflict itself.

• It is appropriate to say, “I’m sorry, I am overwhelmed, I need a hour to cool off. I’m going for a walk and I will be back.”
• “This issue isn’t one I can drop right away without us spending time to build a new foundation towards a better relationship.”

Examples of bad boundaries:

• A divorce before any steps have been taken to improve the relationship. This is an all-or-nothing solution that doesn’t build the structure your relationship would have needed to succeed.
• The on again, off again boundary: This is boundary that is sometimes strict and at other times gone even if your loved one has not improved their behavior.
• The pre-emotive strike: this boundary is set before your partner has done something to hurt the relationship.
• The Amoeba: This boundary is hazy, morphing, changing, not clearly set.
• Isolation in Fort Knox: No one is allowed to hurt you here, nor connect with you, ever.

Good luck out there!