Continued from post Are you a people pleaser?

Once you have decided it is time to set a boundary, it is difficult to know where to begin. Believe it or not, the first place you start is with you. YOU have to be OK taking control of your life and experiencing the anger of the boundary violator. This is where pleasers, enablers, and doormats struggle.

Think: I have the right to put myself first sometimes. I have the right to have my own opinions and convictions. I have the right to negotiate, interrupt, and protest unfair treatment. I have the right not to justify myself to others and I can ignore others advice. I have the right to ask for help and express pain.

It would be common for the boundary violator to try to talk you out of the boundary and your position. It would also be common to experience the boundary violator’s anger or frustration. Your initial feelings might be those of guilt. Remember your rights above and think long term with the relationship. Just like the boundary you are setting, your boundary violator needs to take responsibility for their emotions. They are not your to control.

If you can’t set a boundary now, you might lose the relationship later to chaos and burnt bridges. Remember the boundary is protect the relationship. You are not pushing people out of your life. You are setting a boundary to keep your relationships healthy. People may self select out of your life if they cannot respect your boundary.

So how do you know if  your boundary is right and now too extreme or too lenient? Make sure your boundary has the following qualities:

1) Designed to help with reality and protect the relationship. It’s not designed to control or change.

2) It needs to be deliberate, not impulsive or set in anger.

3) As reality-based as possible.

4) Appropriately severe.

5) Enforceable.

6) Preservative of your spouse’s/loved one’s freedom. He/she can choose.

7) As immediate as possible.

8) Respectful of role as spouse/loved one.

9) Designed to be modified as your spouse/loved one changes.

Last, how do you put it into words. Validate the feelings of the boundary violate. “I understand why you would be angry to have such a change.” State the boundary factually using the criteria above. “This is not something I will be able to do anymore if we are going to have a good relationship,”  Put the responsibility back where it belongs. “I wonder what you are going to do about that.” Let them know you are there to support them. “If there is anything I can do to help you, let me know.” If they want you to do it for them, refuse. “I”m not willing to do that anymore. If there is anything else I can do, let me know.”

Clear as mud? Watch for the next post for examples of good boundaries.