The metaphor of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is used by Dr. John Gottman to describe communication styles. According to Gottman, these styles of communication predict and contribute to ailing relationships. The Four Horsemen can be perilous because they often strengthen negativity and harm relationships. Avoiding The Four Horsemen builds friendship, helps us manage conflict, and can help us support each other’s hopes and dreams.

Relationships are not doomed because partners criticize. Difficulties arise when one or more of the horsemen become pervasive in our relationship. If The Four Horsemen become our patterned response, we might begin to use these unhealthy communication styles with stronger intensity and with more frequency, ultimately harming our relationship.

• Criticism is the first horseman of the apocalypse. Criticism is different than voicing a complaint. Criticism is attacking our partner’s character or personality using generalizations. Example: “You never think about how this affects me!” Or “You always…”
• Contempt is the second horseman. Contempt is attacking your partner with the intention to insult or harm. Examples of contempt include name-calling, sarcasm, mocking, hostile humor, sneering, eye rolling and other related behaviors.
• Defensiveness is the third horseman. Defensiveness involves perceiving our self as the victim. Cross-complaining is another form of defensiveness: meeting your partner’s complaint with your own complaint, while ignoring what your partner said. Another form of defensiveness is repeating what was said without listening to our partner. Example: “I did x because you did y…” Or “This is unfair. You are the one who…”
• Stonewalling is the fourth horseman. Stonewalling involves withdrawing. Stonewalling conveys disconnection. Examples: changing the subject, leaving the scene, the silent treatment, using one syllable utterances, and being unwilling to engage in conversation.

Gottman suggests four antidotes to The Four Horsemen. Rather than criticize, use a gentle start into the conversation. Instead of acting with contempt, describe your own feelings and needs, rather than describing your partner. The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. The remedy for stonewalling is soothing ourselves by taking steps to physiologically calm ourselves.

If you would like to learn more about The Four Horsemen or you want additional help improving your communication skills, contact a relationship expert here.