Everybody has a hard day. We all struggle from time to time. No one is perfect. While these phrases may sound cliche, they are in fact a path to becoming more gentle and kind to yourself. Dr. Kristin Neff thinks so too. She has devoted her work to better understanding what she calls self-compassion. Self-compassion is simply being kind to yourself when you are struggling.
It isn’t uncommon that I have someone in my office who is struggling in some way. Life is full of difficult situations. The question is, how do you respond to your own struggle? Do you treat yourself with the same loving kindness that you would a friend? Or do you find that you are much harder on yourself than you are with others?
Dr. Kristin Neff teaches three simple components to incorporating self-compassion into your life. The first thing that you need to do is think of a time when you were in struggle. What was going on? What were others saying? What were you telling yourself? Dig deep and explore your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. Was your heart tight, your body tense, and your mind cluttered? Great. Hold onto that while we explore the three steps to a more compassionate response.
1. Tell yourself that this is a moment of suffering.
Personalize this phrase to be more natural and meaningful. For me, it often sounds like: “Wow, this is hard.” We want to bring awareness to the reality that your present experience is hard, hurtful, scary, or painful.
2. Allow yourself to acknowledge that suffering is a part of life.
What we are going for here is to humanize your experience. We also want to quiet the shame that often accompanies struggle. This is where a phrase like: “It’s okay. You’re not alone in this”, or “Everyone has a hard time sometimes” really comes in handy. When you’re in struggle, you need to know that you’re not the only one. You’re not weak. You’re not abnormal. You are human, and it is part of the human experience to struggle.
3. Choose kindness
Talk kindly to yourself. Be gentle. Try a phrase like: “I’m doing the best that I can”, or “It’s okay. I don’t have to be perfect. I’m trying.” Whatever it is that you need to hear most in that moment. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for feeling upset, maybe you need to allow yourself permission to feel scared, hurt, and lonely. Whatever it is, choose to be gentle, kind, and loving towards yourself.
Next time you are in struggle, it’s okay. Struggling is a part of life. Everyone goes through it. You’re not alone. Choose kindness. Engage in a self-compassionate way. You are doing the best you can.
