When a person in a relationship persists in being dishonest or secretive about money, it can be called financial infidelity. Specific instance of financial infidelity may  include things like making a large purchase without the other person knowing; hiding purchases that have not been agreed upon in the budget; or changing investments, or making risky investments without the other person knowing, just to name a few. There are many reasons why someone would engage in a financial betrayal. For some it is a general lack of trust in the relationship that may or may not have anything to do with the couples finances. For others it is  fear of not being able to get the things they want or feeling like a spouse or partner does not support or value them or where they like to spend money. For others it is a failure to control impulsiveness, or using money to fill a void in the relationship, etc.

In order to avoid problems with secrecy and deceit around money, here are five areas to consider in your relationship:

M- Method:

What method are you using to manage your money in your relationship? Does your method promote unity in the relationship or does it create a divide? Some couples do not like to budget every penny, however, at a minimum you need to have clear, agreed upon, plans and expectations for how money is to be spent.  

O- Openness:

How open are you with one another about needs and wants? Individuals need a safe, loving, and understanding environment in which to communicate. Couples need to be open with one another and seek to understand one another’s needs and wants. Be open and respectful when your partner is talking about the things he or she values. Seek to understand one another’s financial goals. It is also important for your partner to understand early experiences you have had with money. When couples are critical of the other person it creates an unsafe environment which can promote secrecy and deceit.

N- Negotiate:

Relationships require some give and take. This is especially true when trying to negotiate finances in the relationship. Be willing to negotiate how and when money will be spent. Be sure to negotiate what types of expenses are discretionary expenses and what purchases should be made together. For instance you may take turns with who gets to spend agreed upon discretionary money each month or you may negotiate a certain amount of discretionary spending each person has each month.

E- Evaluate:

Is your method for managing money the same as it was 10 years ago? Has your plan or budget stayed the same or have you adjusted it as life has changed?  Couples should evaluate their financial plans or budgets on a regular basis to make sure that needs and wants are still being met. The cost of things goes up, incomes can fluctuate, and life circumstances change.  If you have children, it is especially important to re-evaluate financial methods because now your children’s needs and wants should be considered in your plan for spending.

Y- Yearnings:

Do your yearnings exceed your earnings? Often financial infidelity occurs because of an unwillingness to control the yearnings to spend money. Keep your yearnings in check. Seek support from your spouse in trying to delay gratification to spend money that you do not have or is not part of the mutually agreed upon financial plan. Is your yearning for things stronger than your yearnings to have a stronger relationship? Remember, “No-thing is worth the relationship”