Do you believe your spouse should change for you or vice versa? I’ve heard a lot of people say, “I don’t want him to change who he is because I’m unhappy.” I can see where these people are coming from. They have unmet needs but feel it is asking too much or would be going against who their partner is to ask him/her to change. And I do think that we should each take accountability for our own part in the good and the bad in our marriages.  However, I believe there is a different way of looking at a request for change. I challenge those people to think about their request for change as part of the benefits of marriage or committed relationships. Most of the time, the changes these individuals might be asking for (such as showing more affection, listening better, giving more attention, less criticism) are things that are going to make their partner a better person. Is this a bad thing? I don’t believe so. I see it more as a way of improving oneself through giving to someone else. Michelle Wiener Davis, marriage therapist and author, says it perfectly: “In good relationships, people do things for their spouses all the time that may not be exactly what they feel like doing at the moment. That’s okay. Real giving is when you give to your partner what your partner wants and needs whether or not you understand it, like it or agree with it.”

Does real giving happen in your marriage? I would challenge you to reflect on the following questions:

• When was the last time I did something for my spouse that I didn’t feel like doing, but knew it would make them feel loved?
• Do I feel that I don’t need to change just because my spouse is unhappy?
• Do I hesitate to ask for what I need because I feel it is asking too much?
• What could I do that pushes me outside my comfort zone for my spouse today?
• When I do something for my spouse, do I expect something in return?
• When my spouse does something for me, do I think, “He is just doing that because I asked him to?”
• Do I hold resentment when I have to do something for my spouse that I don’t like or understand?

I hope that these questions help you start thinking about how you see changing and giving to your spouse or asking your spouse to change or give to you. Sometimes we discount our spouse’s efforts by dismissing it as “forced” or “fake.” Any kind of change is going to feel forced or fake at first. That’s okay. It’s a step in the right direction. Even if it doesn’t feel genuine at first, focus on the fact that your spouse loves and cares for you enough to try.

Pushing ourselves outside our comfort zones to make our marriages stronger is an element of relationships that we should frequently revisit. As humans, we tend to return to our comfort zones and what comes easily after time if we don’t keep thinking about it. We also have a tendency to become selfish. We must push against those tendencies. I don’t naturally show love in the way my husband wants to receive it. Unfortunately, there are times that I  forget, get too comfortable in our relationship or get too busy with life and I fall short in meeting his needs. I am resolving to engage in real giving in my marriage and I encourage you to do so too.