This question is one we often ask our spouse or our kids when we see them at the end of the day but how effective is it at really helping us connect? Dr. John Gottman suggests a formula for this type of conversation that will help reduce stress and feel more connected in our relationships. Who couldn’t use more stress-reduction and connection in their lives??

Gottman suggests the following steps to create a support conversation that will help you each reduce stress at the end of the day:

1. Start with the question, “How was your day?” Allow your partner to just vent for a few minutes and hold your own emotions and reactions to the side for now. Your job now is just to listen!
2. Don’t give unsolicited advice. How many of us are guilty of this? Probably everyone at times. The problem is that when we quickly give solutions or advice, the other person doesn’t feel heard or validated and may even feel annoyed because they just wanted someone to listen.
3. Show genuine interest. Stay focused on your spouse or child. Make eye contact. Put your phone or other distractions away. Focused attention gives the message that you care and the other person’s experiences are important to you. This, in turn, builds trust.
4. Communicate your understanding. Say something that lets your partner know you heard him or her and that you can see their perspective.
5. Take your partner’s side. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with their reactions or their perspective, be supportive and emotionally supportive.  This helps your partner not feel alone. It also builds a sense of unity.
6. Express affection. Try to show some sort of affection like holding your partner’s hand while they talk or give you child a hug when you’re done talking.
7. Validate their emotions. Let the other person know that their feelings matter and that you are glad they trusted you enough to share them with you.

Try this formula next time you ask your spouse or your child how their day was and notice what feels different. It may take some practice for it to come easily to you but you will likely feel more connected and the trust and sense of security in your relationship will really grow.