The measure of the strength of a relationship is not how many times that you have differences of opinions or get into fights, the measure of the strength of a relationship is how well you can repair from each difference of opinion or fight. You are two different people and have grown up with two different perspectives and life’s experiences. So, it makes sense that you don’t agree on everything or see things the same all of the time. Whew! What a relief to be able to have your own opinion and not doom you to endless relationship struggle.

So, how do I repair once there has been a fight or difference of opinion?

Here is a 4-part process to repair

1. Soft Start Up– When something is bothering you and feels unresolved it is your body’s way of letting you know that you need a relational repair. To initiate the repair and have a likelier chance of going well, you want to begin with a soft start-up. Statistically, the tone for the first 3 minutes of the conversation most often reflects the tone for the entire conversation. Soft start-ups can minimize your partner’s defenses that get in the way of feeling heard and being able to hear him or her. Here is an example of when you want your partner to pay more attention to you.
   • Harsh Start-Up: “You are so oblivious to me!”
   • Soft Start-Up: “I want to make a repair with you. I have been missing you lately, and I’m getting a little lonely.”

2. Take Accountability and Ask for Forgiveness– Each partner has an opportunity to express where they messed up. When you reflect back on the fight, ask yourself, “Is there any part of it that I own?” You are trying to see if there was anything that you did that contributed in a negative way to how things turned out. Accountability is hard, but leaves you feeling powerful to do something different. Blame is just the opposite, it is easy, but leaves you feeling powerless to do anything about it. With blame, it always feels like it is up to someone else to do it different. One of the best ways to take accountability is to always own your own feelings. Here is an example of taking accountability instead of blame.
   • Blame: “You rarely help clean up!”
   • Accountability: “I know that we both want the house to be clean, and that I eat food and contribute to the mess. I am sorry I got so upset about the dishes tonight. I know I own my anger, and I am trying to figure out why it was so upsetting for me that they were not done.”

3. Ask for What You Need- When you reflect back on the situation, each partner asks his or herself “What do I need to be different from my partner?” Be aware that the thing you actually need might be different from simple behavioral change, you may need for the feeling between you to change. When you ask for what you really need you are making a bid to influence your partner. You have full permission to ask for what you need, but you don’t get to decide if he or she can give it to you.

4. Soften- A successful repair attempt is when both partners are able to access their true feelings, feel safe enough to make them known to one another, and feel heard by their partner. It may not even mean that you agree, but that you do understand your partner better and can empathize with why they did what they did. When both partners soften, it means that protective tactics such as anger, defensiveness, criticism, and escape are no longer needed to protect primary feelings. It means that being hurt, lonely, sad, or fearful are valid and a person can feel loved through those emotions. When softening occurs often, the couple starts to feels safe. Naturally, one person has the courage to reach for their partner’s hand or hug their partner and for the gesture to be received.

When a couple is not able to do this process on their own, seeking a professional relationship counselor to help support you until you can gain this skill on your own is a great investment in your relationship.