Today I was feeling stressed with a busy week ahead and thought about how I wished I was with my husband, because I feel calmer when I’m with him. So, I sent my husband a text and said, “I love you. You help calm me. I miss you.” He replied with, “I love you too. What did I do?” I responded and told him that just being near him helps me feel more calm, he always helps me think more clearly and he’s sensitive and listens when I talk to him about what I’m stressed about. His response made me realize that I probably don’t tell him what he’s doing right often enough. I’m sure that’s something all of us could improve on.
John Gottman, leading marriage researcher, has studied what makes marriage last and he has found a “Magic Ratio.” His studies show that if there are five positive couple interactions to every one negative interaction, the relationship will most likely be stable. I know there are people who are naturally good at looking at the positive rather than the negative but I also know there are a lot of us who have to work at it. If we aren’t intentionally making an effort to create positive interactions, there is no guarantee that we are meeting the Magic Ratio.
Telling your partner what he or she is doing right is a great way to boost those positive numbers. I know I’m going to work on making an effort to tell my husband in the moment when something he does is meaningful to me. We can also take time to just send a quick text or tell our partner as we’re getting reading for bed, “Hey, I really appreciated it when you asked how my day was going this afternoon. It makes me feel good to know you think about me at work.”
The great bonus with this effort of telling our partners what they are doing well is that positive reinforcement works! The more we focus on what they are doing right, it is likely they will do more of it. It will also boost our partner’s confidence in their ability to meet our needs. If we feel we are doing a good job meeting each other’s needs, we are going to feel satisfied overall with our relationship. If we feel satisfied, we will have more positive interactions. You see the cycle here?
At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes the problems in our relationships become overwhelming and it becomes necessary to reach out for help in solving your problems. However, whenever I meet with couples, I encourage them to schedule in positive time with each other because we don’t want to focus solely on the problems and negativity in the relationship.
Give it a try and see what happens when you ask your partner, “Have I told you lately…?”
