The holidays are supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but the loss of a loved one can cause grief and sadness during this “joyful” season. The first Christmas without your loved one can be especially difficult. Often people can feel lonely, overwhelmed, disappointed and even guilty as a result. I remember the first Christmas after we lost our daughter, I felt all of those emotions and more. I grieved over the presents I should have been buying for her first Christmas. On Christmas morning, I felt a strong longing to be holding her in my arms instead of standing at her grave. Although it was and still is a difficult holiday, I have found ways to honor her memory and enjoy the season. As a grieving mother and a marriage and family therapist, I offer these things you can do to make the holidays without your loved one a little more bearable.
1. Set realistic expectations. You may not be able to bake dozens of treats for the neighbors this year. Attending every Christmas party you are invited to may overwhelm you. Evaluating your priorities and being able to say no when you need to can help you not feel overburdened. Be kind to yourself and remember that you are still grieving and this year the holidays may not be exactly the same as they’ve been in the past.
2. Keep traditions. It is important for yourself and your family to continue family traditions. You may not feel like continuing family traditions because it doesn’t seem right without your loved one there. However, traditions can provide emotional stability and security for your family. You may make adaptations to include the memory of your loved one. For example, if your family always decorated the tree together, you could include a new ornament chosen to represent your loved one. You may feel guilty for carrying on traditions or even for being happy but it’s important to allow yourself to find joy when you can.
3. Find meaning in your loss. Finding meaning can help bring comfort and a measure of peace during times of grief and sadness. One way to find meaning is to perform an act of kindness in the loved one’s memory. For example, parents who have lost a child might buy toys to donate to a needy child. It could also be as simple as smiling at a stranger on the street. Meaning gives us hope and a reason to keep going even when it feels unbearable.
4. Reach out for support. Talking about your loss and sharing memories of your loved one with family and friends can be healing. Often family and friends want to help but they aren’t sure what you need, so don’t be afraid to let them know. Sometimes you might need to talk while other times you might just need some space. Support groups can also be a helpful resource to you in your grief. Speaking to others who have experienced something similar to you can help you not feel so alone.
If you’ve done all you can and you still don’t feel you are coping with your grief during the holidays, seek professional help. A counselor can help you work though the difficult emotions you might be feeling and help you think of new ways of coping with your loss.
The holidays will not be the same as they were before your loss, but it is possible to cope with the pain this season. To make the difficulty of the holidays more manageable: look to others for help, recognize your limits, keep old traditions and make new ones in your loved one’s memory. It may be hard to find any happiness during this season, but be kind to yourself during this time and be grateful for the small moments of joy you can find.
