When something goes wrong or you have an argument with your partner, do you feel like your partner blames you and that you are always the one at fault? When you feel upset and sometimes guilty, you may respond by taking the victim role in your relationship. This can mean assuming that you are always at fault and that others are blaming you. This can create a sense of self-pity and powerlessness. Taking the victim role often serves a purpose. It can give the victim attention and validation they are needing and it can help relieve guilt . Even though the victim role serves a purpose, it often also causes the victim to feel stuck and unhappy. So, how do you get out of the pattern of taking the victim role? Here are a couple of suggestions to get you started.
1. Start taking responsibility for mistakes or misunderstandings. It takes courage to admit when we make a mistake. However, when you take responsibility for shortcomings, it increases the trust and connection you have with your partner. Often when you admit you’ve made a mistake, your partner is more open to discussing their mistakes as well and creates a safer emotional environment.
2. Recognize your needs and ask for validation in a healthy way. Sometimes when you feel guilty or bad about a mistake you’ve made, you might take a victim role as a way of trying to get reassurance from your partner. If it’s reassurance you are needing, it is better to be honest and open about it. For example, your partner tells you he is frustrated that you didn’t tell him about a big purchase you made. Using the first tip, you can take responsibility: “You’re right. I should have talked to you about it first. I’m sorry.” Next, you can ask for the reassurance and validation you need. “I know I’m not good with budgeting and I’m worried that you blame me and resent that I’m not good with money.” Then, your partner can be aware about your insecurities and can respond in a better way than if you had taken the victim role.
3. Be willing to make the change and work together. Once you have acknowledged the mistake, you can talk with your partner about how to make a change. It takes courage to change, but when you work together, you have someone else on your side who can support you.
Taking an active role in your relationship rather than feeling you have no control as a victim, will help you feel more empowered in your relationship. Taking responsibility for mistakes and asking for validation is a great way to improve your relationship and begin to break out of unhealthy patterns. The last step is to talk with your partner about how to change and work toward improvement.
