Do you and your significant other ever involve other people in your disagreements? Do you try to involve a family member or friend to help resolve your relationship problems? If so, you may be creating unhealthy triangles. Most couples can get along well on their own if things are calm, stresses are low, children are behaving, and money is growing on the tree out back. World renowned family researcher, Murray Bowen, said, “A two-person system may be stable as long as it is calm, but when anxiety increases, it immediately involves [another person] to become a triangle”. When anxiety or other pressures weigh on couples beyond what the two can resolve on their own, they often triangulate with a third person to try to stabilize the situation.

For example: A couple is bickering and their teenage child walks in the room. The husband looks at his child and says, “your mom is at it again”. He is attempting to triangulate his child to intervene or take his side because the couple is failing at resolving it on their own. Another example: A couple is stressed about money, and anytime they discuss it, tension rises. The wife is so frustrated with her husband’s views and lack of agreement with her, she calls her mother to talk about it. She says, “Mom, why does he think this… Can’t he see that… How do I get him to understand…” The wife is trying to triangulate her mother into taking her side so they can together gang up on her husband, thus creating a triangle that has to rope in the mother for the wife to get what she wants.

There are healthy ways to try to involve others for help, but those situations typically involve a united couple going together for assistance that is for the collective good. If you are in situations that you struggle to resolve with your significant other, trying to triangulate someone else to deal with the issue may help you feel what you want in the short term. However, it highlights a deeper issue with your problem solving abilities as a couple. The person you are most likely to triangulate will also likely have a bias toward your best interests, rather than the best interests of the couple relationship. You need to find ways to remedy the issues as a couple. If you struggle to, seek some help from a qualified marriage counselor.