Dr. John Gottman uses The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as a metaphor to describe unhelpful and destructive communication styles. Gottman contends that using these four styles of communication harm our relationships.
Relationships are not doomed because partners quarrel. Gottman’s research shows that happy couples argue, but they argue in ways that avoid The Four Horsemen. If we lean into these unhealthy communication styles while disagreeing, we can harm our relationship.
- Criticism: Criticism is different than voicing a complaint. Criticism is attacking your partner’s character or personality by using generalizations. Example: “You never think about how this affects me!” Or “You always…” Or “What’s wrong with you?” Remedy? Use a gentle start up. Make your needs and requests specific.
- Contempt: Attacking your partner with the intention to insult or psychologically harm. Examples of contempt include name-calling, sarcasm, mocking, hostile humor, sneering, eye rolling, and other similar behaviors. According to Gottman’s research, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Remedy? Describe your own needs and feelings, rather than describing your partner.
- Defensiveness: Perceiving one’s self as the victim. Cross-complaining is another form of defensiveness: Meeting your partner’s complaint with your own complaint, while ignoring what your partner said. Example: “I did x because you did y…” Or “This is unfair. You are the one who…” Remedy? Take responsibility for your part, even if it is minor. Listen generously.
- Stonewalling: Stonewalling is withdrawing and conveys disconnection. Examples: changing the subject, leaving the scene, the silent treatment, using one syllable utterances, and being unwilling to engage in conversation. Remedy? Do physiological self-soothing. Breathe. Avoid getting even. Rewrite your inner script. Replace righteous indignation with appreciation, when possible.
If you would like to learn more about The Four Horsemen or their antidotes or you want additional help improving your communication skills, contact a relationship expert here.
