These two give us a lot of problems, first of which is the tendency to mix them up.
Apathy is an absence of care and concern. Ambivalence is a mixed of emotions, often conflicting. I may even suggest to you that the two are exact opposites. Apathy is a plain piece of paper with no color or communication. Ambivalence is layers of colors and scribbles. One is so empty as to be void of emotion, while the other is so full of emotion, it is difficult to see one end from another, to define, to decide, and most of all to cope. In fact, ambivalence can be so jarring for some that the defense is to run away and hide in pretended apathy.
But what does this have to do with your relationships? Humans are rarely so simple as to be all good or all bad, all joy or all sad. And yet is such a simpler thing to attempt to view others around us as heroes or villains. Especially with those closest to us, if we are unable to manage the ambivalence of loving someone with flaws, we find ourselves wandering into the dangerous territory of apathy. He changes diapers but leaves dirty socks on the floor, she is the life of the party but a terrible cook. We are constantly faced with the choice of what to focus on, and it is unrealistic to believe and declare the infallibility of our partners. And we can’t rely on resentment either, because there was some reason we chose those lovely partners in the first place. Eventually something gives. Eventually, apathy is easier than sorting through ambivalence.
One of the beautiful things about couples counseling is the opportunity to explore ambivalence with your partner. “I hate your dirty socks” is no more the end of a relationship than being a good cook is grounds for a marriage proposal.
The reality of life is that emotions like the awesome 64 color box of crayons you coveted as a child. There are ugly colors in there, and there are some beauties you will want to wear down to the nub. The whole spectrum of emotion is what gives richness to life, and your partner will draw the spectrum out of you. And you will draw every color out of your partner as well. I love you. I hate you. I treasure you. There is real beauty in loving someone that also has the power to inspire anger and hurt. In fact, the reason people we love are most able to hurt us because we love them. So next time the ambivalence is overwhelming and you just want to retreat into apathy, think about that box of crayons. Its okay to feel two, three, and even 64 things all in one picture. Just see the value in each color.
