How do we miss 50% of the good that exists in our relationships?
University of Oregon researcher, Robert Weiss, noticed a pattern: Couples in ailing relationships tend to give negative interpretations to neutral and even positive events in their relationship. In other words, when we look for the negative, we fail to notice positive gestures 50% of the time.
Of course, there will be times when skepticism is legitimate. Perhaps a husband is being selfish. A wife’s behavior might be cold. And yet, Dr. Weiss maintains that we miss 50% of the positive actions and supportive messages in our relationships.
An example. One partner says he plans to wash and fold their laundry. His partner, who has complained about unfair housework responsibilities in their relationship, looks at this act with suspicion. Given how little housework the offering partner contributes, and that housework is a recurring complaint in their relationship, his partner meets this gesture with distrust and sarcasm. The partner with the housework complaint cannot accept that his partner is being kind, perhaps even trying to change, or simply pitching in by doing some laundry.
How can we move beyond our tendency to perceive our partner’s actions as negative?
- Try to put our assumptions aside and take our partner at their word.
- Instead of trying to read our partner’s mind, consider that maybe your husband or wife is preoccupied with something else.
- Try the opposite of skepticism: Assume neutral actions as positive, and try not to personalize strong or intense emotions as being negative.
- Consider the 50% in other areas of our life. What would it look like to capture more of the 50% of the positives at work, with our kids, and in our other relationships?
Being curious and noticing what positives exist can transform our connections with others, improve our communication skills, and help us feel more fulfilled in our relationships.
Additional Reading: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/
