Is there a crucial conversation in your significant relationship that you are avoiding? Maybe you are avoiding it because you fear what his or her answer is. Maybe you don’t bring it up because it has turned into a fight in the past. But if you really think about it, does avoiding the conversation make things better? Perhaps in the immediate it may feel like it is.

We are human, and we have needs. Abraham Maslow studied what makes humans great, instead of studying human deficits. He found that humans have a hierarchy of needs and things at the lower levels need to be addressed in order to build a life of fulfillment, passion, and transcendence. If things at the higher levels are not working, the answers may be going back within the lower levels of the hierarchy.

In the long run, we will feel more empowered if we are able to be aware of our own needs, where we are lacking, and doing our best attend to our needs intentionally. This is called self-care and is not selfish. If you are in a significant relationship and you expect your partner to meet your needs, this may be a sign of co-dependence. However, we cannot do all things alone. The following 4 steps can help you get through having needs, asking for help, and getting them met in a healthy way.

1. Be aware that something is bothering you. Don’t bury it or sweep it under the rug. Take courage. It is coming from somewhere, so acknowledge and be responsive to that.
2. Don’t avoid the crucial conversation, begin with a soft start-up to the conversation, and then ask for what you need.
3. Grant your partner the grace to choose his or her own response and remember that you don’t own his or her reaction.
4. If he or she responded how you wished, then express and show gratitude for his or her willingness to hear your and to do things differently. But, if he or she is not responsive in the way you hoped and your fear is becoming a reality, then your job (what you can control) is to do what I call “show up for yourself.” This means to reflect again on your needs now combined with the feelings that surfaced because of your partner’s unresponsiveness. Sit with the uncomfortable feeling because it is your body’s way of telling you something. Take time to listen and feel. An idea may come to your heart. Nurture that part of you that is ailing with self-compassion and kindness be it loneliness, fear, sadness, or hurt. You will feel better as you respond to the feelings that come to your heart, clues to attend to your needs.