If you know your partner has avoidant attachment style, you may be all too aware of how difficult it is to get close to him or her. Just when you think you had a break through conversation it may seem that they are more distant than ever. Avoidant attachment style usually prefer independence to intimacy. They tend to pull away when they feel they are too close for comfort. Unfortunately, avoidant attachment style tends to be more plentiful in the dating pool. It is estimated they are 25% of the population. The style is characterized by being uncomfortable when emotionally intimate with another person. They prefer distance in a relationship and tend to deactivate from the relationship when faced with a “threat.”
Deactivation strategies are any thoughts, behaviors, or patterns which the avoidant partner uses to put distance between themselves and their partners. This could be judging their partner, thinking about a past partner, idealizing love, discounting the importance of closeness, or complaining about their partner to friends or family. They may literally create distance by not responding to attention, calls, or texts. They may also purposefully invest most time physically away from their partner with work, hobbies, or other less important relationships. They may be purposefully discreet about parts of their life or prefer to leave details out when responding to simple questions like, “How was your day?” They may complain of being suffocated and not realize their attachment style is the issue, rather than whatever partner weakness they are focusing on.
Want to help? Consider:
Doing activities together. This tends to help those who are directly avoidant get close with the distraction of an activity.
Don’t stop pillow talk. Practice talking together, even if you are not sure what you are talking about.
Discuss the deactivation strategy your partner uses to help them recognize when they are taking their ambivalent or negative thoughts about the relationship too seriously.
Work on open and assertive communicating, not just pursing or withdrawing when a threat comes to the relationship.
Help comfort the threats and fears they are facing. Most avoidants act overly confident about themselves, but are still facing the same fears about intimacy as every one else.
Consciously foster sharing and interdependence.
Have hard conversations about what is really keeping your relationship from progressing and don’t be afraid to hear the truth about how often they are deactivating from you.
Recognize and manage your own attachment style.
See a relationship or marriage counselor to help sort the real issues from the deactivation strategies.
