Over the span of time, many of us become caught up and comfortable with mundane daily life. However, there is a risk in this because our marriages can become mundane and we begin to feel unhappy and less connected to our spouse. Dr. William Doherty, author, researcher and marriage therapist, suggests that we must take action and create an intentional marriage. What does this mean exactly? Let me give you some examples of an intentional marriage.
An intentional marriage is full of purposeful rituals. These types of couples make it a point to kiss each other goodbye in the morning and smile and hug at the end of the day when they are reunited. They know about the importance of going on regular dates so they actually talk about date nights and make sure one is planned in advance. These couples don’t let their anniversary pass by running their kids to soccer and working late. They make their anniversary a special, planned day where they reminisce and slow down to celebrate another year together. A partnership with an intentional marriage will make sure that they spend a few minutes, one-on-one each night talking to each other rather than plopping down in front of the TV as soon as dinner is over or the kids are in bed.
Do you notice the theme within an intentional marriage? The relationship is full of rituals and regular habits that allow the couple to spend meaningful time together. Many of us already do things like that in our relationship. However, the intentional couples don’t say things like, “Hey, we really should go on more dates” and then expect their partner to take the lead. They have discussions about what keeps their marriages strong and then they make plans and rituals that implement those elements. I remember hearing from a friend that they always go away for a night for their anniversary and while together with no distractions, they make relationship goals for the coming year. This is a perfect example of being intentional!
These couples make plans, but most importantly, they take responsibility for their own happiness by taking action. We often get caught up in thinking that our relationship should be 50/50 so our partner should be doing just as much as we are. That kind of thinking will lead you to a place of unhappiness. The people who are happy in their relationships have to make a lot of effort and take personal responsibility for their marriage.
If you take the initiative to begin creating an intentional marriage, you will reap the benefits. The benefits will include increased satisfaction in your relationship, a closer sense of connectedness with your spouse, a sense of importance as an individual as well as the sense that your relationship is a priority to both of you. One of my favorite benefits is an increased feeling of security in the relationship. Creating intentional rituals in your relationship will instill predictability, which promotes emotional safety and security. Who doesn’t need more of that in their relationship? These benefits are some of the most common things people are looking for when they come to see me for marriage counseling. They cover many of the core needs we all have. Imagine the possibilities for improvement in your relationship if you stop letting time just pass by and instead begin to create an intentional marriage!
