We all know not to let toddlers stick their fingers into electrical outlets. You may have also discovered that it’s easier to distract the toddler with a new location, friend, or toy, than it is to sit between the outlet and the toddler and keep telling them “No”. Some may call the technique “distraction”, but what you are really doing is leading the child to safe activities, demonstrating to them the options they do have, and showing them that where there is “no”, there is also “yes.”
For some reason, it is easier for us to justify telling toddlers “no” than it is for us to learn to say it to partners, friends, parents, and even older children. Often times, we allow the expectations of others to run amok until we reach overload and snap, the equivalent to slapping the toddler’s hand away or shouting at them. This only serves to disrupt a relationship, and create mistrust and fear. The key to setting healthy boundaries based in trust is to find the “yes.”
We often create fantastic stories out of uncharted territory, so when “no” exists, we fill the void with our best guesses as to what lives there.
Let’s create a scene:
I want to spend time with my friend.
“Hey, can we go to dinner tomorrow?”
“No.”
Hmmm. So is that because you don’t want to spend time with me? You like someone else better? You don’t like me at all? What does your “no” mean?
“… but I would love to lunch on Friday, does that work for you?”
Following up a “no” with a “yes” clarifies the relationship, the boundary, and helps the other feel safe. You may or may not be able to justify a “no with “I have a work event” or “I need a night with quiet and a book”, but beyond “no” is a whole world of yes. And there is advantage when defining boundaries to defining both sides of the fence. As a side note, this technique helps both the individual hearing the word “no” as well as the person who has difficulty saying “no”.
Families are about managing a lot of demands and needs from varying individuals. There tends to be a lot of “no” that arises when coordinating schedules and finances. From the mother in law with holiday expectations that conflict with other families, to the teen who wants a later curfew, to the partner who demands more attention than you have room for, we find ourselves dreading delivering a firm “no.” Finding the “yes” can soften the blow without reducing the power of the “no.” We won’t be there for Thanksgiving, but we would like to plan on Christmas Eve. The curfew stands, but I will consider accommodating special events that are planned in advance and cleared. I can’t answer my phone at work, but I will call back on my lunch break. When you tell people what they CAN expect, you will find that it reduces their anxiety over the undefined “no” territory and shifts focus towards greater communication.
