All of us have felt the stinging pain and bitterness of being lied to by someone we care about. Our minds are bombarded by questions and doubts. Why did they lie? Has this person lied to me before? Can there ever be trust between us again?

The remorseful perpetrator of the offense also feels pain, but doubts are centered on whether or not the situation can be fixed.

For both parties, as thoughts of hopelessness of salvaging the relationship arises, it is important to know that reconciliation is possible. During my career as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered several key components that are needed to rebuild trust:

1. Patience. Depending on the nature of the wrongdoing, when an individual lies, trust can be annihilated and work needs to start from the bottom up. It is important to recognize that this takes time and requires patience. A simple “I’m sorry” does not solve the problem completely. It could take months or years.
2. Accountability and commitment. The relationship cannot move forward unless the wrongdoer takes accountability for their actions and both the offending and offended parties are committed to working on their relationship. A relationship requires two individuals; rebuilding trust requires two as well.
3. Listen with an open mind and validate. Listening with an open mind requires just that, an open mind. Coming up with defenses as somebody is speaking is not listening. Listening is putting oneself in the other’s shoes as they share how they have been affected. Validate the individual by saying things such as, “I would feel the same the way if someone had hurt me like the way I hurt you – I can understand where you are coming from.” Being able to listen without raising one’s defenses and validating the other as often as possible will help the relationship take a big step towards healing and rebuilding.
4. Actions speak louder than words. This is the most critical piece. When it comes to rebuilding trust, actions are more powerful than words. The wrongdoer needs to show over a period of time that they have made changes and the changes are there to stay. Over a period of time, there will also be a rise in trust in the relationship.
5. Expect a new normal. Even after the rebuilding process, the relationship will never be same. Both individuals have gone through changes in order to overcome the hurt. Growth and new perspectives come with the territory of overcoming challenges and often change the dynamics of a relationship. Instead of mourning the loss of the old, the individuals should celebrate the new.

Rebuilding trust is difficult, but possible. If one follows these 5 steps, the damage can be repaired and the relationship could even emerge stronger than ever. If you need additional help, seek some help from a marriage counseling expert.