I receive many calls from people who are frustrated with their marriage and recognize a need for counseling but their spouse refuses counseling. If you are in a similar situation, don’t be discouraged. There is still hope for your relationship. There are a couple of options I usually give people. The first option is help get your spouse on board. The second is to come by yourself.

The first option is the best solution and the one I suggest to try first. There are many different reasons a spouse might be resistant to marriage counseling. Try to listen to your spouse and validate how they feel. They may be afraid of being told what they’re doing wrong or they may think the counselor and/or their spouse will blame them for the problems in the relationship. Some people feel that they already know what is wrong and don’t need someone else to point it out to them. These are all concerns and fears that you can speak to. You may also validate your spouse’s concerns by being willing to own what you have contributed to the problems in your relationship and explain that you are going to receive help for yourself as well.

You can also discuss with your spouse the potential benefits of attending with you. I often tell my clients that one of the greatest benefits of marriage counselong is having a neutral party listen and help you see the problems from a new perspective. I can guarantee that one person or person’s behavior is never the sole cause of the problem. Both parties contribute to the problem in some way but that also means both parties are able to be part of the solution. This thought can be empowering to your spouse. I also like to point out that without both parties present, I am not getting the whole story. So if they want me to have the whole story, they need to be there to explain their perspective. These are all benefits that may make it worth it to your spouse to come with you. The bottom line in trying to get your spouse on board with counseling is really listening to their concerns, validating how they feel and helping them to see how they can benefit and contribute.

The second option if your spouse is still unwilling to come to counseling with you is to attend by yourself. Of course you won’t get the same benefit coming alone as you might if your spouse was present but there are things we can work on individually. You benefit by having someone to listen and help you see things from a new perspective. As you begin working on improving the way you communicate and interact with your spouse, they will notice. The great thing is, many times your spouse will respond positively to the changes you make and may even begin making changes themselves.

So, if you are feeling stuck because you know your marriage could benefit from counseling but your partner is resistant, don’t give up. Try addressing your spouse’s concerns and help them to recognize how they might benefit from the experience. Then if your spouse is still resistant, consider the possible benefits of attending by yourself by but never lose hope.