Forgiveness is the scent a rose gives off after it has been trampled upon -Unknown
Professor John Gottman, a well-known researcher of married couples found that when couples argue, their bodies correspond in certain ways, they present certain physiological symptoms. The heart starts to race, palms get sweaty, blood pressure will elevate and more. Gottman emphasizes four areas of destruction in relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling and Contempt.
While all four can manifest certain unwanted symptoms, contempt has been shown to actually be bad for our health. Gottman found in his research that the couples that showed contempt in their marriage were actually found to have weakened immune systems. In referencing a study done at Ohio States by Ron and JK Glaser, research indicated that when couples argued they found their T cells, a type of white blood cell, don’t proliferate as much. This includes Memory T Cells, which basically provides our immune systems with “memory” against past illnesses. Cytotoxic T cells, which we use to fight cancer and immunodeficiency, as well as regulatory T Cells crucial for maintenance of immunological tolerance. This makes us more susceptible to many ailments and sorry ladies, the study also indicated we are “more likely to show immunological changes than men.”
Dr. Sue Johnson made some similar points when discussing emotional isolation. She found that individuals with insecure emotional attachments or bonds were twice as likely to have a heart attack and also have an increased likeliness for stroke. When you consider the research on stress and what it does to our bodies that makes sense.
Clearly fighting is not good for us, but what about holding a grudge? Is it really bad for us if we’re not forgiving others?
The Mayoclinic has actually published on their website some of the physical benefits of forgiveness (their term, not mine) including:
Healthier relationships
Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
Less anxiety, stress and hostility
Lower blood pressure
Fewer symptoms of depression
Improved heart health and higher self-esteem.
Some individuals will spend a significant amount of their time and money to ensure they are buying organic, listening to TED talks to ensure an increase of emotional intelligence in the workplace and doing yoga or pilates to enlighten their minds and nourish their bodies; however, many carry around this terribly poisonous toxin, one that affects your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health.
If you are having difficulty letting go, please reach out for help through marriage counseling. You do not have to handle this alone and you may be able to repair some of the relationships you thought you had lost.
