The Holidays can be a wonderful time of year. In fact, we often call it the most wonderful time of the year. It can be wonderful because it provides a forum for families to gather and connect. Yet, many families struggle with challenges that seem to surface as all join together. The joining can lead to distance if families are not careful. As a result, it may feel like the most dreadful time of the year.
Here are 5 things I suggest you avoid doing to make sure you get along with your families during and after the holiday season. Avoiding these natural human tendencies can help make this this most wonderful time of the year.
1. Don’t use the holidays as a time to “fix” the problems of your family members. If you think a member of your family is not making good decisions, is not living to their potential, if you think they should change something, or you think that some intervention is needed – don’t use the holiday gathering as an intervention. If you want closeness as a family, provide help and advice only when it is sought. Many use holiday gatherings as a tool to try to invoke change in family members. It can often lead to resentment and avoidance of one another in future holiday gatherings.
2. Expect problems – Don’t expect problems you have previously witnessed to be different this year. If there are things that irritate you about a member of your family, expect that the irritating behavior will be present. I am not trying to encourage you to see everyone in a bad light. Rather, I am suggesting that you expect what is realistic. If you are realistic about things that will potentially irritate or cause problems, they are less likely to be upsetting when they occur.
3. Parents of adult children – Don’t pit your kids against their spouse or their in-laws. The holidays are complicated for many couples as they strive to appease each other, and each others families. Making that all happen without hurt feelings can be difficult at best during the holidays. If you have adult children, don’t try to manipulate them into doing what you want. Rather, focus on supporting what they and their spouse want. Don’t make old family traditions trump current needs of spousal relationships.
4. Spouses – Put your spouse first. A common trap many spouses fall into during the holidays is to put the wants or traditions of their parents or siblings ahead of their spouse. This commonly happens because traditions that existed and were important may emotionally trump what you see as a less-important desire of your spouse. It also occurs because people often fall back into old parent-child relationship hierarchies with their parents during the holidays. People allow their parents to take a different hierarchical position than their spouse and themselves. As a result, they do what mom wants instead of what their spouse wants. This leads to friction and hurt feelings in couple relationships.
5. Don’t let the holidays cause undue financial strain on the family. I am the first to want to spoil my family. I love to give gifts. It is an important expression of love for me. It is for many. However, causing significant financial stress simply to get the next big thing for the kids or each other is not worth it. Financial strain frequently impacts anxiety, triggers insomnia, causes fighting in the home, and makes the rest of the winter season filled with stress. Is that monetary thing really worth that impact on the family?
