I recently revisited one of my favorite descriptions of the self-defeating beliefs that make us miserable. What I love most about this list is how in three quick summaries, the author, David Burns, encapsulates all the self-inflicted miseries in human experience.
A quick look at the three below now. We all have our pet favorites of the list, of course. Which is your pet favorite?
Performance Perfectionism. I must never fail or make a mistake.
Perceived Perfectionism. People won’t love or accept me if I’m flawed or vulnerable.
Achievement Addiction. My worth as a human being depends on my achievements, intelligence, talent, status, income, or looks.
If you looked the list and said, “Nah, not really. Not me.” I call BALONEY. This is how we are built. Some of us pay these beliefs and stories more attention than others, but we all have them. What are you super human? Instead of going with the first initial reaction to push away, it works better if you actually don’t avoid feeling pain. Actually being present with pain allow you process faster and feel better sooner. Take a look again and see how even believing one of these 5% of the time could change your behavior and future.
PUT THE BAT DOWN!
A very therapist like thing to say to clients who consistently beat on themselves is, “Ok, hand over the bat, just put it down.” In other words, stop being so hard on yourself. It often takes a conscious effort to decide that the extra beating when you are down is more likely to keep you down than motivate you up.
To be self-defeating is to belief more in your self- doubts than in your potential. As a result of paying attention to these beliefs we could get an array of different behavior. We could see mood disorders. We could see a life lived in mediocrity out of fear. We might see panic attacks any time a “threat” to validating this belief is near. Self harm could be present or even suicidal thoughts or behavior. We might see someone who is afraid to love or be loved. We might see the development of OCD. We could see the projecting of these beliefs for parents onto their children. The possibilities of human suffering are creatively endless!
I know. I say that tongue and cheek. Suffering is part of the human experience, but that is old news. The good news is that self-torture is the fixable kind! Start with putting down the bat. Follow with self-compassion practices. And then learn how to combat these inner beliefs through a book, counselor or therapist. Your life, your love, your future could depend on it.
