One of my favorite things about being a therapist is when I have my own, “Ah-hah!” moments. I had one such moment recently when doing some teaching about pornography. I explained three common reasons people turn to pornography.
They turn to it when they are tired, lonely, or bored.
I explained that pornography becomes a substitute (though a poor substitute) used to help fill the lonely, tired, bored space. There are times we do not have the potential solutions to our woes available and accessible. We may reach out to soothe ourselves in various ways and fail to pick wisely. We may look for a temporary fix. We often do this by finding activities which give us a sense of novelty, thrill, constant stimulation, fantasy, or a sense of not being so alone.
As I searched to find a few more examples, I had my, “Ah-hah!” moment. When I am lonely, tired, and bored I have my own substitute. The substitute I turn to for novelty, thrill, constant stimulation, and fantasy is called Netflix. Netflix’s cousin, Hulu, is trailing close behind. I’m certain that at one point in my life, I probably could have been the title of an article in The Onion, “30-something-year old asks judge to grant a common law marriage with her Netflix due to long term emotional relationship.” So I decided it was time to give myself an intervention.
I practiced my self-talk. Ok Kerianne, what do you really need when you are lonely, tired, and bored? Well, if I am lonely: I need to reach out to my loved ones. If I am tired: I can rest, relax, and meditate. I can actually rejuvenate, not just numb and zone out. If I am still bored: I can try stimulating my mind with something like a book. Remember those, Kerianne? — I didn’t.
The point of doing SOMETHING about being lonely, tired, and bored is to fill those needs in a way that actually helps. To soothe in a way that actually soothes. I have started to carefully select the activities I chose to do when I “relax.” So often these former “relaxing” activities have almost the opposite effect and leave me feeling empty.
To help myself distinguish between good rejuvenating behaviors and soul sucking empty behaviors I ask myself about the WHY of my behavior. “Am I doing this because it will really make me feel better or am I doing this to escape and numb away the feelings of reality?” If the answer is the latter, I have to give it up for that time and try something else.
I’ve found it difficult to give up TV shows and movies when I’m bored, lonely, and tired. However, I have found that I genuinely enjoy them more when I do watch. I’ve expanded my soothing and self-care behaviors from numbing Netflix to a list of other things that actually help me feel better.
I can’t lie to myself and say that Netflix and Hulu make me feel more calm, more loved, or more whole. I can’t say that I feel genuinely less bored after my third episode of “Orange is the new Aquamarine.” Netflix is so full of those rip off shows, you know?
So I’m grounded. From Netflix and Hulu. For as long as I can stand it.
What about you? Why do you do what you do to rejuvenate? Does it really make you feel better?
