When we lose someone close to us, sometimes we are afraid that they will be forgotten. Remembering our loved ones and finding special ways to honor their memory is an important part of the grieving process. All across the country today, Memorial Day, people take time to honor those they’ve lost. Cemeteries are full of colorful flowers and decorations that demonstrate the love of those left behind. This morning I had the opportunity to be a part of the Race for Grief where hundreds of people found a meaningful way remember the people they’ve lost. They displayed posters lovingly made to remember and pay tribute and they ran to benefit charities who help those who are grieving. It was a place where those who have a missing piece of their hearts could all come together for a common cause and feel a sense of belonging.
Many who experience loss feel alone and it may seem that no one understands. I know that with the losses I’ve experienced, I often felt that way. Just as those who ran in the race today, I have found ways to find meaning in the loss. One of the ways I have found is to share my story and offer my professional expertise to help others who are grieving find peace and hope. This is my story:
My husband and I were blissfully expecting our first baby in the spring of 2004. We had no reason to worry–no one close to us had really experienced complications or losses–and we just expected that everything was fine. We learned about halfway through my pregnancy that our baby was not growing at the rate she should. She was diagnosed with Severe Intrauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR). I also began to have pre-eclampsia and was immediately ordered to bed rest. I spent a few weeks on bed rest but then my blood pressure spiked and our baby was delivered 9 weeks early. She was a tiny 1 lb. 5 oz. and we named her Lexie. I spent every moment I could in the NICU, looking back those moments are so precious. After one week full of ups and downs, Lexie got a blood clot in her lungs and returned to heaven. Her short life changed our lives forever.
Almost exactly two years later, we had a healthy baby boy. He brought a lot of joy and healing to us. Two-and-a-half years later, a beautiful baby girl joined our family. At that point, I decided to go back to school. I had always wanted to work in a field where I could help people and I was led to a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. With six months of school left, I found out I was pregnant again. Of course, with each pregnancy I felt nervous because of my first experience but I had gained more confidence with two healthy pregnancies behind me. We had a comprehensive ultrasound at 16 weeks and found that our baby girl’s growth was right on track and everything looked good. We breathed a big sigh of relief at that point. At my next appointment, my doctor could not find a heartbeat and we found out that we had lost our baby. Going through the loss of our first baby was almost more than we could handle and I always thought I’d never survive another loss. It’s been a little over a year since our baby, Ari, was delivered stillborn and we survived it. It wasn’t easy and our lives are not the same as they were before, but one of the best ways I have found meaning in my loss is by connecting with others.
Having experienced losses myself, I know what a lonely and confusing journey grieving can be. Regardless of what type of loss you have experienced, your journey of loss and grief will be unique. Know that there is hope and there are resources to help you to not feel so alone.
