“People can only change if they don’t have to.” This paradox is a perplexing concept that relationship expert and researcher, John Gottman addresses in his work with couples. What does this statement really mean? What Gottman is trying to describe is the idea that when we feel accepted just the way we are by our spouse or partner, we will be more willing to change. It’s normal to want our spouse to make changes to help the relationship be more satisfying. According to Gottman, the first step toward achieving that change is to help our spouse feel more accepted. Acceptance is a valuable gift we can give that will have long-lasting benefits. So, how do you give that gift?
You can use your own experiences to help you know where to start. Have you ever had someone you felt truly accepted you for who you are? It could be a teacher, a friend, a coach, a parent or grandparent. Think about what that person did to make you feel accepted and as a result, feel safe and secure when you were around them. How can you apply what you’ve learned from these people to your relationship?
Ultimately, you want your spouse to get the message: “I love you and I like you the way you are.” This doesn’t necessarily mean that you think your spouse is perfect and they have no room to grow and improve. But, that growing and improving will come more easily if your spouse feels accepted first. There are many ways to convey a feeling of acceptance in a relationship and they don’t have to be complicated. It can be as simple as giving compliments, expressing appreciation, showing affection, responding non-defensively, pointing out your partner’s strengths, reminiscing about what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. These are all things that will convey a message of acceptance.
As you practice the gift of acceptance, you will begin to notice your partner’s positive attributes. This refocus on the positive, will in turn help you to feel more happiness in your relationship. Of course, it is expected that we each have needs and have things we would like our spouse to change. However, this holiday season, first try giving your spouse the gift of acceptance and see what it can do for your marriage.
