When couples come in for marriage counseling, one of the common themes I see take place is what I call the Blame Game. Partners began talking to me or each other about a story, event, discussion or fight that occurred. Spouse A tells it from their side of view and spouse B will either usually sit back and roll their eyes or interrupt and then vice versa. At times, it gets heated as so many emotions are being brought up to the surface. Even couples that know how to communicate get caught up in this game too. When we get caught up in the details that occurred and become more concerned about if our version is the correct one or that we are right and the other person is wrong, it makes it harder to repair or create a healthier relationship. Partners playing the blame game show more concern about making sure the details in their stories are correct and they are right, instead of focusing on what matters more. What needs to matter more is how and what our partners are feeling over being right or wrong.

Something commonly forgotten is that feelings are not right or wrong. We might misinterpret behaviors or words causing us to feel a certain way that was not necessary but what is important is that partners know and show they care about each others feelings and emotions. I see many spouses showing more concern over how something was said or when it was said instead of looking at whatever it is that happened, it caused the other spouse hurt, pain, loneliness, etc. and focusing on repairing the feelings instead of the events. We cannot change what happened in the past so it will not help the relationship to worry about the details. What will help the relationship is to focus on the emotions that resulted from the event and stop playing the Blame Game.

The key in doing this involves two main parts. The first being the way the partners talk about the event. Instead of talking about details they should talk about their feelings behind what took place or what was said and why they feel that way. The second part is for the partners try to understand how the other is feeling and that those feelings are not right or wrong. What they are feeling is real and they need to know their spouse sees that and recognizes it. In doing the second part, you will find yourself moving forward in your marriage; repairing and strengthening the relationship instead of having conversations that go nowhere. Learning how to do this takes time and patience. I have found that helping couples with this in the marriage therapy process provides them with a stronger foundation to build upon in creating a healthier and happier marriage.