Love and Money
Research tells us that when couples argue about their finances they aren’t actually talking about money. Yet, research also shows that money is the one of most frequently cited sources of friction in a marriage. The conclusion we can draw from these two seemingly paradoxical truths is that couples often misunderstand the meanings of money.
The Gottman Institute teaches:
“Money is loaded with power and meaning that can make discussions heated and hurtful. Arguments about money aren’t about money. They are about our dreams, our fears, and our inadequacies.”
By working together and communicating carefully (care + fully) about our finances, couples can create a shared meaning around money that brings them closer together instead of pushing them further apart. (adapted from www.gottman.com)
This list of financial principles, developed by Dr. Bernard Poduska, is one that I often share with couples who want to improve their communication around issues with financial themes:
- Financial problems are usually behavior problems, rather than money problems.
- If you continue doing what you’ve been doing, you will continue getting what you have been getting.
- Nothing (no thing) is worth risking the relationship for.
- Money spent on things you value usually leads to feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment. Money spent on things you do not value usually leads to a feeling of frustration and futility.
- We know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- You can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need can never satisfy you.
- Financial freedom is more often the result of decreased spending than of increased income.
- Be grateful for what you have.
- The best things in life are free.
- The value of an individual should never be equated with the individual’s net worth.
If possible, use the list above to talk about financial issues before they turn into problems. Take a date night to spend discussing these ideas and reflect on what your shared meaning of money would look like.
