Usually people come into my office with a goal such as “I just want to be happy.” In this blog, I want to explore the idea a little bit further. I believe that if someone only wants happiness that they may undercut their own development. The quest for happiness can lead a person to suppress other aspects of their experience. For example, if someone has gone through a hard thing, but their only response is reframing things to be just fine, half full, or looking for the light side of things, they may lose touch with the shadows, or their honest feelings of loss or mourning.
I surmise the reason why people want to just feel happy is because they have not had a good experience feeling all of that fear, anxiety, or pain. It makes sense that when uncomfortable feelings arise, that they would want to cope by distracting away or getting out of the feelings. I call this “checking out,” or looking outside of oneself to get away from the feelings. Checking out can take multiple forms, but all with the objective to numb, dull, distract, ignore, or deny the uncomfortable feelings.
I think that the truth is that us humans really want a broader range of emotions, and that is why someone would go to a scary movie, live in another country, commit to go to school, or climb a mountain. There is something about feeling those feelings that is appealing to many people. In his book Why We Do What We Do, Edward Deci claims, “The true meaning of being alive is not just to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotions.”
If feeling all of the feelings is part of being fully alive and we know we have a tendency to run away from our uncomfortable feelings, then that feels like a double-bind. The choice: Should I be fully alive and deal with the uncomfortable full range of emotions, or should I be half alive and feel comfortable while running from half of my emotions. I believe the former option is the better one, but how?
Dr. Christopher Willard said, “Teaching children to check in with, rather than check out of, their experience builds emotional intelligence, leading to happier kids and families.” Most of us are trained at checking out. This checking in business and learning to self-soothe is a skill set that we didn’t learn is school, but the reward of doing so is unmatched. The sheer honesty that resonates inside the body when one can acknowledges that they are not feeling ok and yet they are still worthy and lovable is very powerful. Learning how to be aware of and sit with the most uncomfortable of feelings with curiosity, wonder, and non-judgment is one of the most transformative actions that invites healing into our most hurt parts of ourselves.
