If your social media of choice is anything like my own, you’ve been seeing a lot of opinions lately, generally shared with some level of defense, certitude, and even shaming towards all who may disagree. Like it or not, your children are hearing and talking about these topics as well, and facing their own social world with perhaps a little less certainty that you have in yours. How do you engage them in a conversation about the scary, controversial, and sensitive?

One touching video from France, shortly after the recent Paris attacks showed a father and preschool age child talking about the fear and meaning behind everything going on around them. Right at the beginning of the conversation, there is a pivotal moment. There is a question asked of the child, and the child responds, and then, magic happens. Instead of rushing on to another question, or deferring to the parent, the reporter and the father wait. They look at the little guy and leave the microphone in front of him, and he breathes deep, and keeps talking.

You see, our children are tuned and trained to give answers to our questions, and they know that if there is limited space, then the programmed answer is all that is welcome. But leave the microphone there for a moment or two longer, teach them that you are listening and that they have space to expound, and they will learn to start speaking more than the prescribed answers. I can’t promise what you will hear. You may hear fears, you may hear hopes, you may hear confusion, but no matter what, you will hear something of that child’s heart.

That walk into the unknown can be scary, to discover what your child is afraid of, or what they are thinking, to worry if they are going to agree with you, disagree, feel hurt, or ask questions that you don’t have answers to. Here are a few important tips to remember for responding to you child in those hard conversations.

1. Ask a question with the intent of listening past the expected answer. Hold that microphone in front of them, and do it calmly and gently enough that they know they can keep talking.
2. Validate what they say. Repeat the words they use, identify the emotions they express, and let them know that it’s okay for them to feel.
3. Don’t lie. Don’t tell them that things are all over if they aren’t all over, or that things are fine if they aren’t fine, or that there isn’t a problem when there is a problem. Kids know, and little white lies that may be intended to soothe can also be invalidating.
4. Instead, take a moment to share your emotions and teach your values. It’s not brainwashing your child to share your own beliefs with them. In fact, it gives them coping skills when they see what your own coping skills are. Whether you work through hard things socially, spiritually, academically, or aggressively, show your child what you do with your concerns, and they will be on the path to discovering their own best coping methods through the trusting relationship they are building with you.