With rare exception, when people enter into a new relationship they make every effort to put their best selves forward. They are nicer, more thoughtful, more romantic, more understanding, and more supportive. This is commonly referred to as the “honeymoon” period. It is often the most exciting part of the relationship and is filled with daydreams about the endless possibilities of a seemingly perfect relationship. But what happens when the honeymoon is over? Many are able to make the transition from the “honeymoon” period to the “authentic” phase of their relationship, but for a variety of reasons, others struggle. One such reason is perfectionism. Here are four manifestations of perfectionism that can sabotage your relationship:
1) “Black and White Thinking” – “Black and white thinking” is the inability to see a middle ground. It’s either, “He loves me or he does not”, “I’m a good partner or an awful one”, “Our relationship is perfect or it is falling apart”. This mentality is not conducive to empathy and makes mutual understanding difficult. For example, a perfectionist may think that in every argument somebody needs to be right and somebody needs to be wrong. As conflict management is about understanding and not being “right”, this can be a huge problem.
2) Unrealistic Expectations – Perfectionists have unreasonably high expectations of themselves and others, and do not tolerate mistakes. When these expectations are not met, they feel shame in themselves and/or in their partners. The perfectionist fails to realize that a relationship comprised of two imperfect people will have problems – hurt feelings and mistakes are inevitable. Perfectionism allows no room for failure and leads to feelings of disappointment, doubt, anger, and resentment. Partners of perfectionists often feel like they are “walking on egg shells” and frequently distance themselves from the relationship to avoid conflict.
3) Inability to Connect with Others– Perfectionists struggle with low self-esteem and fear rejection. These feelings of inadequacy fuel their need to maintain a certain type of image. Healthy relationships require vulnerability, but those struggling with perfectionism fear showing their “real” selves. This lack of authenticity creates walls making it difficult to form deep and meaningful relationships. A well renowned shame researcher, Brene Brown, once said, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re suppose to be and embracing who we are.”
4) Defensiveness – Because perfectionists do not allow themselves to be imperfect, they experience difficulty in hearing criticism from others. It is hard for them to acknowledge their mistakes, be understanding, and/or make compromises. They are often defensive because they see accepting criticism as accepting failure and imperfection, which causes them to feel shame.
Counterintuitively, perfectionism does not make a relationship more perfect. Its effect is the exact opposite. The behaviors above push away the people we care about and make it difficult for relationships to flourish. The key to redressing these issues is to accept ourselves and allow our partners to do so as well.
