As a child, when I thought about the “perfect marriage” I often pictured fairy tale princesses, such as Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty, finding their prince charming and living “happily ever after”. Unfortunately, fairy tales don’t tell us anything about what “happily ever after” looks like. We never see HOW the couples lived “happily ever after” – it is left up to our imagination. In my young mind, the couples never argued, didn’t have to work through their differences, were never annoyed with each other, and lived in constant bliss.
Fast forwarding to my adult years when I found my prince charming, I discovered some of what I previously thought of as the “perfect marriage” stayed with me even though I knew this type of relationship was virtually non-existent. Somehow, I thought that I would magically transform into a better version of myself the moment my prince charming and I were married and would live “happily ever after”. That didn’t happen, of course. I was still the same person. Unsurprisingly, the “happily ever after” that we all seek occurs over time through disagreements, patience and understanding. “Happily ever after” requires marital growing pains.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have found that many couples hold on to fairy tale wishful thinking about marriage. They are disappointed when their relationship doesn’t live up to that expectation. They question whether they committed to the right person. They wonder how there could be so much conflict in a relationship that was meant to be. Many of those who doubt their decision start to disconnect from one another. The more that couples view conflict as evidence to support their doubt, the easier it is to turn away from each other. They turn their fears into reality.
To remedy such disconnects, world-renowned relationship researcher, John Gottman, suggests couples to “turn towards each other”. Regardless of the nature of the conflict, he urges couples to look for ways to connect with one another through simple means: giving each other kisses when coming home from work, listening to each other about their day, holding hands, making dinner together etc… He wrote, “Partners who characteristically turn toward each other rather than away are putting money in the bank. They are building up emotional savings that can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with major life stress or conflicts. Because they stored up all this goodwill, they are better able to make allowances for each other when a conflict arises. They can maintain a positive sense of each other and their marriage even during hard times (1999).”
A relationship is like a dance and dealing with conflict is a critical step. Marital growing pains are a normal part of marriage. Problems do not mean that a marriage is a failure, they are opportunities for couples to grow and to change. When couples are patient and understanding during the process, and make the effort to “turn towards each other”, a positive transformation will occur. If turning towards each other becomes a difficult task, it is important to seek out professional counselors that can help guide you to your “happily ever after”.
*Seek out professional help when dealing with issues of addiction, abuse, and infidelity.
Gottman, J.M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Three Rivers Press.
