For nearly three decades researchers have studied forgiveness in relation to personal healing and physical health. They have found that forgiveness has significant impacts on your emotional and physical well being. People who forgive age better, have fewer cardiovascular problems, less chronic pain, less depression, and maintain attitudes which are related to a healthy life. Research has not yet found an offense so severe that forgiveness did not improve the forgiver’s rate of happiness, lessen their anxiety, and increase their hopefulness. This only confirms what most religious teachings have said about forgiveness for thousands of years. Forgiveness is good for you.
Life is full of situations where we have a moral right to resentment. Think of someone who experienced abuse, the infidelity of a partner, the betrayal of theft. Many people might consider forgiveness to be impossible, and even unimportant. Some believe it is not realistic to forgive and feel understandably justified in continuing to wish punishment or revenge on the offender. But, this philosophy about forgiveness displays a lack of understanding about what forgiveness is and how truly powerful it is in healing hearts and relationships.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgive and forget usually means not letting the memory and emotions associated with the offense to play a part in your present life. Forgiveness does not mean that the pain associated with the offense is gone. Forgive does not mean there are not consequences to the offense.
Dr. Robert Enright, one of the more prominent researchers on forgiveness has one of the most accepted definitions of forgiveness. He defines forgiveness as:
“. . . The overcoming of negative affect and judgment toward the offender, not by denying ourselves the right to such affect and judgment, but by endeavoring to view the offender with benevolence, compassion, and even love, while recognizing that he or she has abandoned the right to them. The important parts of this definition are as follows: a) one who forgives has suffered a deep hurt, thus showing resentment; b) the offended person has a moral right to resentment but overcomes it nonetheless; c) a new response to the other accrues, including compassion and love; d) this loving response occurs despite the realization that there is no obligation to love the offender”
There are many models of forgiveness which can help people check in with where they are in the process of forgiveness. One of the models is by G.A. Pettitt. He wrote an article about forgiveness in the New Zealand Medical Journal where he proposed a five-stage process for people to go through in order to forgive:
1) committing to forgiveness as a way to address the offense
2) adopting five new perspectives (recognizing the unmet need that prompted the offense, adopting a state of calm, opening oneself to one’s role in the offense, desiring a fair course of action, and desiring to find the good in others)
3) changing the images one has stored up regarding the offense
4) accepting the offense and canceling one’s high expectations
5) restoring the flow of vitality and love.
In general, forgiveness seems to mean the ability to find empathy for the person involved, decrease the negative feelings we have towards them, and stop seeking the right to punishment. Researchers and judeo-christian society agree, there are no circumstances where forgiveness causes more harm. Forgiveness is good for you, and good for them.
