Fear is a powerful emotion. It can immobilize us if we allow it to take control. It is an emotion we have all likely felt at one time or another. Many of the people I meet with for counseling have some fears about whether counseling can work for them. These fears are real and usually founded in past experiences that have led them to believe there is no hope for change or a better future.
I understand that these fears are very real and can overshadow some of the hope people might feel if the fear were not present. In my own life, I’ve been struggling with a powerful fear that has been present the last few months. As I’ve written about before, 10 years ago we lost our first daughter when she was born premature and lived for only a week. We had two more healthy children and then almost two years ago we lost another daughter who was stillborn. Now we are expecting another baby girl in less than four weeks. The past few months, I have been gripped at times with feelings of intense fear–fear of losing our baby. At the same time, I want to be excited and have hope that everything will be fine. However, during the times when the fear takes hold of me, the hope fades away. Sometimes I have let the fear stop me from looking to the future. It’s been hard to go out and buy baby clothes or even to tell people about the pregnancy when the fear overcomes me. My husband and I have talked about how it isn’t going to make it any easier to deal with a loss if we allow the fear to stop us from planning for the future. However, the shadow of our fears still creeps in at times. When I am able to push that shadow aside to make plans and be excited, I feel happiness and hope. When I allow the fear to take control, I rob myself of those happy moments.
Having had the difficult experience of fearing a loss, I can relate to a couple who is afraid counseling will not help them. They too fear a loss–the possibility of a loss of a marriage, of the hopes they had for the future, of the life they had planned, a loss of a partner. As hard as it is to have hope when things seem bleak or discouraging, allowing the fear to control our actions or our feelings robs us of peace and happiness hope can bring. That is why I encourage the couples I work with to take a risk and invest in their relationship again with their whole heart. Without the risk, they hurt their chances of feeling hope and happiness again. Those who have hope truly see better outcomes in their relationship than those who let the fear take control.
“Every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen – and they do happen – we are stronger.” -Brene Brown
