Unfortunately, despite many people who get married with good intentions there are a great many marriages that do end in divorce. Some stats predict that of all the children born last year, 50% of them will experience their parents divorce by the time they are 18 years old. Those same parents, with the same intentions to protect kids can accidentally make their divorce a great challenge on their children.
I think the biggest NO-NO for parents divorcing is to give their child the impression that the child needs to pick sides and that they are less free to love and adore both of their parents. Giving this message in any form, in any subtlety, needs to be avoided. This impression is often given without the parent realizing the pressure their child is perceiving.
Common mistakes:
1.Explaining your side of the divorce is a natural reaction, especially if your child is witnessing a great deal of conflict they do not understand. No matter how carefully you explain the divorce, the child is likely psychosocially geared to feel that their next job is to take sides with one of the parents. Be mindful of acting like a strong and in charge adult when you share details. Be careful how and when you share.
2. A child taking on the job to comfort can be common when a child has witnessed hurt, and feels the need to protect one parent or another.While it can feel validating to have your child be able to vocalize that they understand why you divorced and even agree with the divorce, this may not be in their best interests, only yours.
3. Children often feel responsible to pick sides when one of the parents does not want the divorce. Children tend to feel responsible to make that parent less lonely. Parents pushing the divorce forward are also more likely to seek reassurance from their children about if their children agree with their valid reasons for leaving.
4. Children who feel responsible for the way the custody agreement happened carry a great burden of guilt and responsibility that should be shouldered by their parents. Be mindful of the involvement of therapist, custody evaluators, quoting your children, and documenting damning evidence involving them. (Wherever possible, help remove the burden of custody from their realm). Keep this situation appropriate as well. A child who was sexually abused by a parent should have different support than a child who just saw mom and dad fight a great deal.
5. Divorces can turn so ugly that parents are trying to pit their children against their ex. This is most damaging. Parents often do this without realizing. Sometimes parents do this by asking for a child’s therapy records to come to court. Parents can do this by starting to quote their child’s comments to friends, lawyers, etc. Parents sometimes do this by putting their child in the middle of a fight. If the ex hangs up, they call their child and have the child share the message to that other parent. ANY SITUATION WHERE A CHILD FEELS THEIR COMMENTS WILL BE USED TO VALIDATE ONE PARENT’S FEELINGS gives the child a less stable sense of safety. Their trust levels and openness will decrease.
6. Many parents may be able to vocalize the healthy ideal, “You have two parents and you can love us both,” but send other messages which are confusing. A parent may disclose too much of the divorce with a child. A parent may talk openly about the divorce with many relatives in front of the child. A parent may take down all of the photos in the house of the other parent. Many subtle messages are received by your children through these interactions.
DO:
Know that your child feels an innate connection and security from both of their parents. You can damage their sense of well being by removing this connection. Many people ask me why the courts do not allow for more parents to take full custody. It is because the courts understand that even a dead-beet parent can be a vital help towards healthy child development.
A great thing you can do for your child is find emotional support outside of your children. Do not let them be the only people to share your burden. Similarly, share details of the divorce with mindful emotional display of your own feelings about the divorce. Spend more time focusing on processing your child’s reaction to the details. Keep details age appropriate. Keep pictures of your ex, especially in their room. Let them see you trying to get along with your spouse. Instead of warning them of the scary behavior you have seen in their behavior, show them healthy ways to handle it. Encourage your child to work on their relationships, including the relationship with their parent.
Good luck. If all else fails, just remind yourself that children are resilient.
