Very often, couples with different dispositions towards conflict end up with many unresolved issues. I’d like to describe each partner’s fears and end by describing what their responsibilities are in working towards resolution.

Often there is one person who is used to being vocal about their feelings. For them, raising their voice, fighting and yelling are not scary. They believe that by voicing a concern they are more likely to get the attention they need. I call these partners the Fire crackers.

Often the other person feels the opposite. Being vocal about their feelings and opinions makes them uncomfortable. Other people raising their voice and arguing is terrifying. They worry that fighting means the relationship is getting worse and could even signify the end of the relationship. When conflict arises they withdraw and try to avoid more fighting. They want to preserve what is left. I call these people the Ghosts.

The common emotion between these two is fear. The Ghosts fear that fighting will ruin their relationship and leave everyone in emotional pain from sharp words. The Fire crackers fear that their needs and feelings will go unmet and leave them feeling alone. The resulting dynamic is described below.

Ghosts:

*Feel unsafe or criticized

*Fear fighting will hurt or end relationship

SO THEY RETREAT

 

Fire crackers:

*Feel unheard or misunderstood

*Fear they will be abandoned in their moment of need

SO THEY ADVANCE

 

The script of their fights could be summed into this small script:

Ghost: I just need you to calm down.

Fire cracker: I just need you to hear me.

 

This cat and mouse game of retreating and advancing tends to leave most issues unsolved. Consider the responsibilities of the Ghost and Fire cracker if they are going to start solving issues. (note: Looking at this below tends to be overwhelming for Ghosts and Fire crackers. It goes against their sense of safety and self-reservation.)

Ghost: My job is to stay present and hear my partner’s emotional concern.

Fire cracker: My job is to calm down as soon as possible so my partner can feel safe and reassure them that they are good and loved.

Is this your relationship? Are you a Ghost or a Firecracker? Learn how to go about making great changes in your relationship by changing your part in this cat and mouse game in Part II (coming soon).