Emotional and physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship. However, it can be a very fragile part of a relationship as well. Infidelity, hurt feelings, abuse, anxiety, miscommunication, shame and anger can all contribute to what Dr. Barry McCarthy calls “poisoned sexual desire.” When sexual desire has been poisoned, it can lead to emotional distancing and conflict in the relationship. So what do you do to rid your intimacy of its poison?
Begin ridding your intimacy of it’s poison by first taking accountability for the part you may be playing in the poisoning. Do you have fears or anxiety you haven’t addressed or communicated to your partner? Do you use sex as a way to control your partner by withholding or demanding sex? Maybe you have guilt or shame from the past that you still haven’t worked through? Take some time to write down your thoughts and then discuss them openly with your partner.
After you have each taken accountability for the part you play, begin approaching the problem as a team. Now that you have had a discussion and are aware of your own issues as well as your partner’s, sit down together and develop a plan of how you may work together to solve this problem. When a couple’s intimacy or sexual relationship has been poisoned, often each individual feels ashamed, alone or frustrated trying to fix the problem themselves or waiting for their partner to change. Take a different approach and make the “poison” the enemy and team up together to solve it. Intimacy issues can be complicated and you may also need a professional on your team. Couples counseling can be very effective in helping you figure out exactly what your antidote will be and how to administer it.
The poison has likely been slowly leaking into your relationship over time and it will take time and effort to rid your relationship of it. Don’t become discouraged when it seems that you take two steps forward and one step back. This is the normal progression of lasting change. The bottom line is that if your intimacy has been poisoned, the most likely antidote is a personalized combination of knowledge and awareness along with restoring respect, trust and emotional closeness.
